Afraid of Myself

What’s wrong with me? No matter how upset PJ has gotten over the last few months, it hasn’t fazed me. He could scream at me for anything, at any volume, even to the point where he’s hiccuping and sobbing, and I only felt slightly bad for him. I knew he would get over it.

Then just a few minutes ago, I found myself reacting like I did in those first few weeks with him. If he yelled much then, I would get to the point where I wanted to scream back at him. In fact, I did a few times. I would envision myself hurting him in all sorts of creative, yet scary, ways. It terrified me that I could even picture myself doing such things, and I constantly worried that I would lose control sometime and do them.

That’s why I hated screaming at him so much. In those times, I let myself lose control with him. It may have been some harmless yelling, but I worried it wouldn’t stop there. I was more than happy when that phase ended and I could react like a normal person to his crying. It still hurt me, but I didn’t overreact, blaming him for being uncomfortable and telling me so.

So why did I overreact again today? I bit my tongue, almost literally, to keep from screaming back at him. I was so frustrated. And that scared me. What if I’m regressing, going back to that dark period when sometimes I didn’t like my kid? Could it just be hormones, that I have a short fuse right now? And if that’s it, then why are my hormones acting like this right now? I don’t think this is likely, but maybe I need more sleep. I’d do almost anything to keep from overreacting around PJ again. I want to save the screaming for times when it’s absolutely necessary, not just when he cries because he’s unhappy.


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