Sorry for that freak-out in the last post. I take it all back, mostly. I’m tempted to delete it altogether, but I won’t out of respect for the person who commented on it (thanks, Heather…keep my secret, ok?). It will also serve as a good reminder not to let myself overreact so much when I’m so obviously PMS-ing.
Here’s what happened (the edited version):
I discovered that M had visited this blog, obviously reading it. When he helped me find ways to set it up to be anonymous ages ago, even helping me name it, he promised he wouldn’t visit it. He encouraged me to let it be an outlet. I trusted he would keep that promise.
Years ago he had other issues with someone else keeping a blog. When he discovered things he really didn’t want to know in that blog by accident, it nearly devastated his life. (I’ll keep the particulars private out of respect for him. That’s his story to tell, not mine.) Since then, I know he has had trust issues with me and blogging. The public blog is obviously fine for him to read; I even encourage him to from time to time, especially if I’m worried he may not feel comfortable with something I’ve written or the way it’s phrased.
Because of that, it was a big deal for him to promise to avoid this blog. That was a lot of trust he placed on my shoulders. That’s also why I flipped out the way I did when I saw he had checked out what I write here after all. Part of me wondered if he really trusts me the way he claims. I also was forced to second-guess everything I’ve written to see how he might have taken it. Was there anything there I was too embarrassed to have him read?
It turns out it was no big deal at all. He was bored and a little worried the way he’s been acting lately was annoying me. (Which obviously, it wasn’t. That had never even crossed my mind.) A few things I’ve talked about provided some interesting–and emotional, due to this stupid PMS–discussions, but the drama was limited.
I still feel a little betrayed, but I know that is the PMS talking. Still, until that feeling passes and I don’t feel the need to censor what I write in case he stops by again, I may hold back a little. I don’t like having to do that, but it’s not really something I can control right now. In time, my confidence in my privacy here will be restored and things will get back to normal.
By the way, from the numerous references to PMS, you may have gathered that I’m beginning to doubt I’m pregnant. In fact, it’s beyond just a seed of doubt; I’ve pretty much convinced myself that is the case. No reason, really, probably just protecting myself from disappointment yet again. I’m thinking trying again for another month could be fun, though. This month was certainly a blast. I don’t think M minded either.