Happy Halloween!

October 31, 2006

Sorry for that freak-out in the last post. I take it all back, mostly. I’m tempted to delete it altogether, but I won’t out of respect for the person who commented on it (thanks, Heather…keep my secret, ok?). It will also serve as a good reminder not to let myself overreact so much when I’m so obviously PMS-ing.

Here’s what happened (the edited version):
I discovered that M had visited this blog, obviously reading it. When he helped me find ways to set it up to be anonymous ages ago, even helping me name it, he promised he wouldn’t visit it. He encouraged me to let it be an outlet. I trusted he would keep that promise.

Years ago he had other issues with someone else keeping a blog. When he discovered things he really didn’t want to know in that blog by accident, it nearly devastated his life. (I’ll keep the particulars private out of respect for him. That’s his story to tell, not mine.) Since then, I know he has had trust issues with me and blogging. The public blog is obviously fine for him to read; I even encourage him to from time to time, especially if I’m worried he may not feel comfortable with something I’ve written or the way it’s phrased.

Because of that, it was a big deal for him to promise to avoid this blog. That was a lot of trust he placed on my shoulders. That’s also why I flipped out the way I did when I saw he had checked out what I write here after all. Part of me wondered if he really trusts me the way he claims. I also was forced to second-guess everything I’ve written to see how he might have taken it. Was there anything there I was too embarrassed to have him read?

It turns out it was no big deal at all. He was bored and a little worried the way he’s been acting lately was annoying me. (Which obviously, it wasn’t. That had never even crossed my mind.) A few things I’ve talked about provided some interesting–and emotional, due to this stupid PMS–discussions, but the drama was limited.

I still feel a little betrayed, but I know that is the PMS talking. Still, until that feeling passes and I don’t feel the need to censor what I write in case he stops by again, I may hold back a little. I don’t like having to do that, but it’s not really something I can control right now. In time, my confidence in my privacy here will be restored and things will get back to normal.

By the way, from the numerous references to PMS, you may have gathered that I’m beginning to doubt I’m pregnant. In fact, it’s beyond just a seed of doubt; I’ve pretty much convinced myself that is the case. No reason, really, probably just protecting myself from disappointment yet again. I’m thinking trying again for another month could be fun, though. This month was certainly a blast. I don’t think M minded either.


October 30, 2006

Suddenly I’m tempted to abandon this blog instead of the other one. The one situation I never expected to happen has, and now I see I should have expected it.

I’m left without a place to truly leave my inner thoughts, and I suppose they must remain inner thoughts for the time being. I love the list of links I have here, though, so I won’t leave you altogether. I guess I’ll just post an innocuous post here and there, but don’t expect the honesty and frankness I’ve given you in the rest of the posts.

I’m sorry.

Foot in Mouth

October 30, 2006

Actually, what would it be if I’m regretting something I typed, not something I said out loud? Foot in keyboard?

On my other blog, the one that the whole family reads, I’ve spent the week explaining and re-explaining what I meant in previous posts. I’ve hurt feelings unintentionally and caused people to worry about us.

(Interestingly enough, everybody offended or worried is related to my husband. I think the pattern may be saying something.)

I don’t want to get into any particulars to protect the semblance of anonymity I have left, but here’s one of the issues. The phone rang this afternoon, waking up all three of us from afternoon naps that were desperately needed. It was M’s dad who had heard from M’s grandma that I’d indicated on the blog that M was really, really sick. Of course that’s not at all what I’d said, but somehow it still worried everyone.

I don’t like when my blog is causing all sorts of problems. That’s not the purpose at all. I’ve been feeling really blah about that other one for a long time anyway. I never say anything interesting anymore, and what I do say is so awkwardly worded that I’m never proud of my writing there. It just provides a PJ fix for all the family, as long as I keep posting pictures regularly.

But now part of me wants to abandon it. I don’t like having my words so often misinterpreted and used against me or M. I don’t like unintentionally starting fires all over the place because people can’t figure out what I mean. It’s such a shame because I like blogging, but so many people have ruined it for me.

No matter what I decide, I’ll keep this blog up for now. M’s family seems to be the main problem right now, unfortunately, but they don’t read this blog, so I’m not expecting any of the same issues to crop up here, at least not any time soon.


October 29, 2006

I just finished the last of my new books, and it wasn’t soon enough. I don’t know that I could ever be prepared for the story of a young girl fighting and losing a battle against leukemia. I predicted the outcome within the first fifty pages, yet I continued to read anyway. I guess it’s my fault after all that I’m a bit depressed and upset now.

I hate it when books do that to me. I keep reminding myself it’s fiction, but that doesn’t change the fact that even though this exact story didn’t happen in real life, very similar stories do. All the time.

I hope and pray that never happens in my family. I don’t think I would have the strength to bear it.

I really want to go to sleep now, but I’m afraid my mind is racing too fast to relax. Of course, it would have been even worse if I had made myself stop reading sooner. The book was too painful to drag out. I just had to rush through the ending, like ripping off a Band-aid.

A week ago when I finished all the books I had that could stand a re-reading, I was eager to run out and buy more. Now I welcome the respite from reading. I definitely need a break after that last one.

Along those same lines, I finally started writing that book that’s been running through my mind for years. It’s a sad attempt, but I’ll feel better getting it down on paper. I think that’s probably how I’ll spend my time for the next few days, instead of reading. The change of pace will do me good.

It’s Quiet…Too Quiet

October 28, 2006

Seriously, the quiet is unnerving tonight. M went to bed early, and of course PJ is sleeping, so I’m the only one still awake.

The temperature outside is that perfect balance between hot and cold, so our a/c isn’t running and we don’t have any fans on either. I have all the TV’s off, and even the refrigerator isn’t humming at the moment. The crickets have stopped chirping with the cooler weather, and the neighbor’s dog is inexplicably silent.

I’m jumping at every creak and crack. I can hear M’s snoring/heavy breathing all the way across the house. It’s that quiet.

This is creepy. Almost makes me understand why Halloween happens at this time of year.

On the bright side, it’s only midnight and I’m starting to get sleepy. I’ve already gone through the first few stages of the last few nights’ sleep routine. I fell into a drowsy nap without meaning to about 9:00, then spent my second wind reading. When M collapsed into bed early, I followed him to make sure he was all right. I couldn’t go to sleep, of course, so I headed back out here to do my nightly blogging. If everything follows the usual schedule, I should be asleep within another half an hour or so. Imagine that…falling asleep before 2! I can only dream.

I have been so incredibly tired the last couple of days, like if I let myself stop moving for even a few minutes, I would fall dead asleep. Yet I can’t fall asleep at night–insomnia. I’m still getting enough sleep throughout the day, so I’m not exhausted for lack of sleep. Hmmm, what other reasons are there for such extreme fatigue? One jumps to mind. I hope I’m not reading too much into it, but when I consider the sleepiness in combination with the sore boobs (even though I’m still breastfeeding, they’re more sore than normal), I have to wonder. Those were the first two signs I was pregnant with PJ, and I’m hoping they mean the same thing this time.

I won’t know anything until the middle of next week, though, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up. I’ve had too many false alarms already.

Sure Wish I Was Asleep

October 27, 2006

Here I am again, already breaking my own rules. It’s the middle of the night, and I’m blogging. Don’t worry; I’m not going to attempt any profoud thoughts. I’m just going to complain instead. I should be able to do that while exhausted, right?

I don’t know why it happens, but every so often I get in a rut where I can’t go to sleep at night. Bedtime comes, and I’m dead on my feet…but the second the light is off and M is snoring beside me, I’m wide awake.

Tonight I even fell asleep on the couch for an hour or so while M was working on his computer. I missed the evening news completely. I can’t remember the last time I was so tired (ok, so I can…I was always that sleepy with an infant who didn’t sleep through the night). When I woke up enough to realize I’d been sleeping, I made myself get up to get ready for bed and crash.

Apparently the movement woke me up again, and here I am, hours later, still struggling to get drowsy enough to sleep.

It doesn’t help that the stupid leg problem I’ve been having on and off for the past few weeks came back with a vengeance tonight. I don’t want to move, but not moving makes them hurt worse. So I move, and then they hurt worse anyway. I think the legs are part of the reason I can’t sleep.

Of course, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure the last few times I had these insomniac episodes, I was PMS-ing. My mom has suggested the insomnia may be a result of hormones. I don’t know what I think about that, if it is the case this time. I’m not scheduled to start for another week almost, so it’s a little early to be feeling the effects of those hormones. Unless, of course, there’s another reason for my hormone levels to be screwy. Man, I hope so! I’d take insomnia over morning sickness any day!

Note to Self

October 26, 2006

Dear Self,

Stop publishing posts after two in the morning when your eyes are so bleary you’re not entirely sure what you’ve typed is in English. If you feel it is so profound you still want to share it with others, save it and read it in the morning when you’re thinking straight again.

And don’t ever write something merely for the sake of posting something new. Or simply because the house is all asleep and you’ve been tossing and turning for the last two hours and it makes a good distraction. You’ll regret it in the morning (even if you are lucky enough to un-publish it before anybody you know saw it).

Oh, yeah, and don’t ever conclude a post with, “I don’t know exactly what I’m trying to say, so I’ll just conclude with this for now and figure it out later.” You won’t figure it out later, and you’ll hate that you exposed your pathetic failures at conclusions to the world.

Thank you.

Whaddya Think?

October 25, 2006

It felt like time for a change, maybe to a slightly girlier-looking template. Ok, technically the template didn’t change, but the colors sure did. It makes the whole thing feel differerent, doesn’t it? I think I like it.

October 24th

October 25, 2006

It appears that October 24th is safely over for yet another year. I always breathe a sigh of relief when the day passes and nothing life-changing has happened.

The crazy superstition started nine years ago. I started dating my first serious boyfriend on Oct. 24. The date was forever ingrained in my memory because I fully expected to be celebrating it as the anniversary of our first date for years to come. Instead, the relationship turned into a borderline abusive relationship that I was hesitant to end because I feared he would kill himself over it. (Thankfully he broke up with me first. He is now married–although just how happily is up for debate.)

Two years later to the day, my most promising relationship yet ended quite suddenly. It’s quite a long story, but two days earlier we were happy as clams, tentatively dreaming up our perfect wedding. The break-up killed me emotionally, and ever since I’ve dreaded the anniversary of that date. (We, too, still keep in touch. He is married as well, just months after I finally got hitched.)

The years following that break-up I spent October 24 holding my breath. One year I went out of town with a friend of mine to meet many of her college friends. I still remember that anxious feeling all day with a potentially life-changing situation coinciding with a life-changing day. It’s probably the “magic” of the day that compelled me to believe I felt a connection with one of those college friends. I’m still embarrassed when I think back to the days and weeks follwing that weekend when I shamelessly pursued my perceived soulmate. I wonder if I would have found myself in such an embarrassing situation if I had met the guy on any other day. I suppose the event was somewhat life-changing, but certainly not in the way I’d anticipated.

Then last year, my dear son spent the day in the NICU, just one more day in a string of days filled with fear and anticipation. I was terrified to go the the hospital to visit him, afraid that we would be greeted with bad news. I was just as terrified not to go; hearing the bad news over the phone would be twice as devastating. Of course, a part of me also recognized the possibility of wonderful news, maybe that first mention of his homecoming. I was relieved when the day was just another false alarm of an October 24. The news was typical, pretty much what we had heard every other day and what we expected to hear that day.

And this year passed quietly as well. It wasn’t spectacular, but it wasn’t earth-shattering. Perhaps the day has lost some of its power. Perhaps the only power it ever had was in my expectations. Now that I feel comfortable and satisfied with my life the way it is, expecting nothing earth-shattering ever, I have no reason to expect any day to hold such surprise, even October 24.


October 23, 2006

M and I finally talked frankly last night about this whole trying to conceive thing. Although we are kinda sorta trying, it’s not quite as I’d assumed it was. M admitted we’re not taking precautions not to get pregnant because he knows I want another kid and now is a good enough time for another. In other words, he’s not excited by the thought of another, but he agreed long ago to have another so he’s following through with the promise. I think he also thinks that if he fulfills the obligation to have another now, then I’ll stop pressuring him about it.

I’ll stop pressuring him when he stops pressuring me to go back to work.

I strongly suspect at some point after having a second kid, I’ll feel ready and even anxious to have a third. I’ve always wanted a large family. At one point I thought I wanted more like six kids. I doubt now that I could handle that many, but I also know two probably won’t be enough for me. When we were dating, I told M I wanted four. He said two. We agreed to compromise on three. Now two is the compromise? I don’t get it, and I don’t like it.

I keep hoping that PJ and the next one will turn out to be such wonderful and charming kids that M will decide he wants another. Or maybe this next one will be twins and he won’t have a choice about a third kid.

As much as he claims sometimes that he doesn’t want more than two kids, he still slips and mentions what-ifs about the next pregnancy. For example, if the next one is as bad as the first was and if the next one is early too, we’ll definitely stop at two. Doesn’t that imply we might not stop at two? (By the way, I agree with him. I’m not suffering like that if it looks like it will be every time, and I’m not going to knowingly endanger any more kids’ lives with prematurity.)

So I’m left not knowing whether to be aggravated that we’re kinda sorta trying for what will possibly be my last baby or to be hopeful that a third isn’t altogether ruled out. I suppose that’s looking too far into the future. I guess I’ll take my own advice (to M even) and play it by ear, focusing on one kid/pregnancy at a time.

By the way, how weird is this? If my cycle returned to normal right after quitting the birth control, I could be pregnant even now and not know it. I’m crossing my fingers!