October 23, 2006

M and I finally talked frankly last night about this whole trying to conceive thing. Although we are kinda sorta trying, it’s not quite as I’d assumed it was. M admitted we’re not taking precautions not to get pregnant because he knows I want another kid and now is a good enough time for another. In other words, he’s not excited by the thought of another, but he agreed long ago to have another so he’s following through with the promise. I think he also thinks that if he fulfills the obligation to have another now, then I’ll stop pressuring him about it.

I’ll stop pressuring him when he stops pressuring me to go back to work.

I strongly suspect at some point after having a second kid, I’ll feel ready and even anxious to have a third. I’ve always wanted a large family. At one point I thought I wanted more like six kids. I doubt now that I could handle that many, but I also know two probably won’t be enough for me. When we were dating, I told M I wanted four. He said two. We agreed to compromise on three. Now two is the compromise? I don’t get it, and I don’t like it.

I keep hoping that PJ and the next one will turn out to be such wonderful and charming kids that M will decide he wants another. Or maybe this next one will be twins and he won’t have a choice about a third kid.

As much as he claims sometimes that he doesn’t want more than two kids, he still slips and mentions what-ifs about the next pregnancy. For example, if the next one is as bad as the first was and if the next one is early too, we’ll definitely stop at two. Doesn’t that imply we might not stop at two? (By the way, I agree with him. I’m not suffering like that if it looks like it will be every time, and I’m not going to knowingly endanger any more kids’ lives with prematurity.)

So I’m left not knowing whether to be aggravated that we’re kinda sorta trying for what will possibly be my last baby or to be hopeful that a third isn’t altogether ruled out. I suppose that’s looking too far into the future. I guess I’ll take my own advice (to M even) and play it by ear, focusing on one kid/pregnancy at a time.

By the way, how weird is this? If my cycle returned to normal right after quitting the birth control, I could be pregnant even now and not know it. I’m crossing my fingers!