Almost an Apology

December 30, 2006

I know I’ve posted several rants about my MIL here, and I’m not about to take any back today. But my opinion about her has changed just a little bit. (By the way, after spending about a week with her, M and I were able to psychoanalyze her and her issues a little better. It stems from a verbally abusive father who abandoned her, etc. I sympathize with her now, which makes her a little easier to deal with–in small doses anyway.)

Last night PJ had quite a little accident. It was the first of the kind, and M and I panicked, as would be expected. Within seconds, we were starting to pack up to spend the evening in the emergency room. At the last second, M decides to call his mom first to get her opinion about whether an ER visit was necessary. His first reaction to any medical problem is to call his mom, since she is a nurse. It doesn’t hurt anything that she prides herself on her medical knowledge, so it really strokes her ego to get called for advice.

Normally, MIL is overly emotional and can’t do anything without going to extremes. That’s one of the things about her that bugs me since I have such an even disposition. Last night, though, her nursing attitude kicked in, instead of her grandma one. Over the phone she was able to talk both M and me down from our panicked states without letting us know she was at all worried either. I was and still am thoroughly impressed. She has proven to me that despite her issues, she can be a great mom, grandma, and nurse. I might just have to give her a little bit more slack the next time she bugs me.

By the way, PJ is obviously just fine. He’s got an ugly bruise on his forehead, but he doesn’t even seem to notice it’s there. The first of many, I’m sure.

Confession Thursday (A Little Late): How We Met

December 29, 2006

The story everyone knows:
We’d met online in the middle of December. Having hit it off through e-mail, we decided to start talking on the phone during our Christmas breaks. M asked me out on our first date just before the holiday, and we planned to start the year off together, at a New Year’s Eve party with his church group.

On New Year’s Eve, I drove across town where I met him at his house, although reluctantly. He drove me from there to a nearby restaurant for a pre-party dinner, and the place became our restaurant quickly. The party itself had a black-and-white theme, so I was wearing my brand-new black pants, a wonderful gift from Santa; they made me look tall (as hard to believe as that is) and made my butt look awesome. I looked great, and I knew it.

Neither M nor I is great in social situations, so after meeting his friends and pushing myself to my social limits, M and I decided to leave early. We were definitely hitting it off, and we were anxious for time alone anyway. We headed back to his house, a little less reluctantly on my part than earlier, where we rung in the new year alone. We toasted with goblets of milk–since neither of us drinks–and chocolate chip cookies. We had our first kiss at the stroke of midnight, the only time I’ve ever kissed on a first date. From there, the rest is history.

What really happened:
We did meet online and went through the usual route of e-mailing and then talking on the phone over Christmas break. Our first date was supposed to be the black-and-white church group New Year’s Eve party. Unfortunately, we hit it off over the phone much more quickly than we expected when we set the first date. M flew back from his parents’ house over Christmas break on Wednesday, December 29, and neither of us could wait a minute longer to meet.

On his way home from the airport, M called me. I was somewhat nervous about the idea, but I gave him directions to my apartment. That could have been incredibly stupid, especially since nobody but one friend knew I even might meet him earlier than the publicized first date, but everything worked out well, obviously.

I’ll never forget that moment when I opened the door and saw him for the first time. M looked exactly like he did in his pictures, but there was an electricity about him that no picture could contain. I remember standing in front of that open door, with one hand still on the doorknob, for what felt like an eternity. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I knew in that moment that I would love him, the closest I’ll come to admitting such thing as love at first sight.

Finally–really probably about two seconds later–I remembered my manners and invited him in. We decided to go eat at my favorite restaurant, but when we got there it was closed, probably for the holiday. Instead we went to the one across the street, the one that we supposedly went to on New Year’s Eve, our place.

After dinner, we went back to my apartment where we chatted for hours. Finally, we got the nerve to do what we’d both been wanting to do all night, and we kissed for the first time. It really was the only time I’d ever kissed on the first date. It was magical, and I knew without a doubt that I’d be seeing him again.

That happened the next day, and the next, and the next. We spent every free moment together from then on. We spent New Year’s Eve together, of course, but we never made it to that party. Instead, we stayed at his place and watched a rented movie. The cookies and milk and kiss at midnight happened as I tell everyone, though. Both are now a tradition between the two of us.

I wonder why I’m still so afraid to tell the real story of our meeting to everyone else. At the time, I kept it hidden because I knew how stupid I was being, and I didn’t want anybody else to tell me what I already knew. But now that everybody can see what I saw, that this thing was real from the start, why do I persist in telling the made-up version of our first date?


December 27, 2006

I’ve been going through some serious blogging withdrawal in the past week or so. I’ve hated that I’ve neglected this blog, but there has been no feasible way to blog here discreetly, without the many subjects of rants finding out, since I have been spending much time around them.

Of course, spending time with all this extended family has also provided much necessity for blogging, at that precise time when I can’t. It’s quite the paradox. Fortunately, my wonderful husband snuck my laptop into our bedroom tonight for the sole reason of letting me blog here without anybody discovering it.

Mini-rant #1: My newest SIL announced her pregnancy when she arrived at my parents’ house a week ago. This is the SIL I griped about a few weeks ago on Confession Thursday, the one I don’t particularly like. Her news didn’t exactly help matters any. She’s as self-centered as ever, and now she has tighter strings on my brother. When he discovers his mistake, if indeed he has made one, he now has the feelings of a child to consider. Not only that, but now they are dirt poor, living with her parents while they try to hide away enough cash to move out, and they need to think about providing for a baby as well. Bad planning.

Mini-rant #2: How could she get pregnant before me??!! I’m so selfish as well, and it’s driving me crazy that she comes with special Christmas news that I was so hoping to be able to bring myself. I let myself think maybe I was too while I was still there, even getting odor-induced morning sickness several days. I took a pregnancy test and everything and was still somehow surprised that it turned out negative. I should have known better. I’m just hoping now that we conceived a special Christmas baby, if we couldn’t announce the news over the holiday break.

Mini-rant #3: My in-laws are driving me nuts, especially my MIL and my grandparents-in-law. The grandparents stayed here for several days, even though it would have been more convenient for them to go to Christmas celebrations if they’d stayed at home. I believe the sole reason was to spend more time with us, namely PJ. Grandma hovered every second and never, ever shut up. She has a great heart, but after a few hours with her, I can’t wait to have alone, quiet time again. Also, she and Grandpa bicker incessantly. Grandpa is nearly deaf, so the bickering is quite loud. I hate being that close to loud arguing. Our time with them couldn’t end soon enough for all of us except for the two of them. They were eager to spend an extra night than they’d originally planned. It took some careful planning on our part to nip that in the bud without hurting any feelings.

My MIL isn’t as bad as normal this time, but it bugs the heck out of me that she won’t let me be the mom. M and I will specifically ask her not to do something when she’s with PJ, and even with us there, she will defy us. It’s a control issue, and she wants to make darn sure we know she has the last word about his care. It makes us not want to let her take care of him at all, but we know that would only make matters worse. Any helpful hints out there?

I guess I’ll leave the rants there for tonight. I may not get another chance to write anything until the weekend, but maybe my sweet hubby will steal me another chance to blog tomorrow night. I’m sure I’ll have lots to write about if so. Visits with the in-laws sure provide lots of good stories…and rants!

Failed Attempt at a Post

December 20, 2006

It’s the middle of the night again, and I’m unable to sleep. Could it have anything to do with the hour nap I took this evening? I got hit hard with an allergy attack, and no amount of medicine was helping. I gave up and let PJ’s dad and grandma watch him while I went to lie down. I surprised myself by actually sleeping. The only problem is that NOW I’m feeling better, when I should be sleeping.

I have lots and lots I want to write about. I’ve had ideas circling around my brain all week, and now I can’t find the motivation to type them all up. I’d really rather be sleeping. As much as I enjoy a change in routine, I hate that it’s keeping me from blogging. I rarely have a minute alone when I’m on vacation, and I’m usually spending those precious few moments sleeping.

I don’t really have anything interesting to say tonight after all, I suppose. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get a chance to steal a few moments alone and write something with some substance.


December 17, 2006

We started our Christmas travels early, thanks to some planning on the part of M’s boss, who scheduled him for a training in the same town as my parents this week. They even pay for the mileage on our car to and from home. Nice, huh? I guess it’s the boss’s way of giving us an extra Christmas present. Anyway, because I’m not at home and will have a weird schedule, my blogging may be sporadic over the next two weeks. If anything monumental happens, I will definitely post that. Otherwise, expect more rants about the in-laws.

By the way, thanks a ton for that comment yesterday Heather. Now I can’t stop thinking about that what-if. If you’re right, it would explain a lot. But I’m afraid to hope too much for that unlikely possibility. I’d hate to be disappointed yet again. Still, I can’t help wondering why I never thought of that. I’ve heard of that happening too.

Something Still Ain’t Right

December 15, 2006

About a week ago, you may remember I let everyone know I was most definitely not pregnant as Aunt Flo made a surprise appearance about a week early. Since then, nothing in that area has gone has expected.

Even when I’ve been somewhat irregular in these past few months since PJ’s birth, I knew what to expect during that awful week itself. This time, it hasn’t followed its usual pattern. I’ve been much heavier for longer. (Sorry, I know it’s TMI.) I’m hoping it actually decides to stop tonight when it’s supposed to. (It had better. M and I leave tomorrow to spend two weeks with relatives, and we desperately need a little alone time first, if you know what I mean.)

Also, most of those possible pregnancy symptoms I was complaining about earlier haven’t gone away. I figured the crazy emotions were a result of PMS hormones, but I still tear up at anything. I found myself randomly crying while I was playing a computer game a little while ago. I wasn’t upset about anything; I just couldn’t hold back the tears. I’m never this emotional unless hormones are out of whack, and why should they be right now?

I’ve been fighting nausea badly again today. I had to warn PJ while feeding him lunch that he’d better not choke on anything if I suddenly had to run to the bathroom. I’m still surprised I managed to keep everything down. Even though the worst of the nausea is past now, it doesn’t take much for it to come back. Even thinking about it now is making me feel yucky again.

My boobs are still sore, too. Shouldn’t that have ended when I started? This is definitely not pain from breastfeeding, or weaning. It feels like they did just before I found out I was pregnant with PJ.

And I keep waking up in the middle of the night to pee. The cranberry juice isn’t helping the problem, so it’s either a really, really bad urinary tract infection or it’s not one at all.

So I have no idea what to think. Obviously there’s no way I’m pregnant, but I still feel awful. M and I keep throwing outlandish possibilities out there to explain it, mostly joking, but it’s to cover up our fears that something might be wrong. Any ideas what it could be? I’ve already decided that if things still don’t feel right, I’ll go see a doctor when we get back from our holiday trip. I’m putting it off as long as possible, though. I hate going to see a doctor, especially with such weird, non-descript symptoms.

Confession Thursday–A Mother’s Greatest Fear

December 14, 2006

As a mother, I am plagued with any number of fears about PJ and how he might develop as he grows up. I worry he might get sick, really sick, like cancer. I worry he might end up the family’s black sheep, addicted to drugs or in prison. I worry some girl is going to come along and break his heart. I worry some sick predator is going to do something much, much worse to him. I worry about car accidents, bike accidents, freak lightning, you name it.

But my biggest fear about PJ isn’t any of these. I’m terrified he’s going to be autistic. My life has intersected with autism a few too many times for me to brush it off as mere coincidence. I’m forced to wonder why so many autistic children have crossed my path, and the only conclusion I have is that I’m destined to be a mother of one of these special children.

Since it is Confession Thursday, though, I feel the need for complete honesty. I am horrible around people with special needs. I don’t know how to act and they make me uncomfortable. The time I’ve spent in the presence of autistic people was spent looking for a way to get out of their presence. I don’t have any clue how I would handle one of my own children being autistic.

The good news is that so far, PJ shows absolutely no signs of any problems whatsoever. He’s reasonably well-behaved and incredibly social. Barring unexpected acts of God, he should grow up to be an average, normal kid. I wish that reassured me, but it only does to a certain extent. I’m aware that he could start to show more signs as he grows up, as unlikely as that seems now. I’m constantly watching his behavior to make sure it’s completely normal.

Please don’t tell me I shouldn’t worry about this. I know that already. I don’t let the fear keep me from enjoying my son, and only M even knows this is a fear I have. He actually has the same worries, so we console each other about it. I know that if I am destined to have an autistic child, God will give me the strength to cope with it. I just think I’d rather be weak in this area.