Torn

December 2, 2006

Even though I had a difficult time at first with breastfeeding my son, I’m proud now that I’ve kept it up this long. We are reaching a point, however, where weaning is imminent. I am torn between pushing PJ into total weaning or to try to stretch it out as long as possible.

If PJ weaned right away, I know my fertility would increase greatly, almost right away. It’s tempting to just cut him off, stop offering it to him and give him normal milk if he acts like he wants to nurse. My desire for a new baby is pushing me into this option. It’s not like he really needs to keep nursing after all. I accomplished my goal of breastfeeding him for a complete year, and these last couple of months have just been bonus.

On the other hand, I’ve found in the last few months that I actually enjoy breastfeeding. Now that he’s mobile, this is one of the few times he’s still anymore. It’s more of a bonding experience now than it’s ever been. I’m not ready to give up that aspect of it quite yet.

The other reason to stretch out this nursing thing is twice as selfish. I want to be able to brag to other moms just how long PJ breastfed. I have my sob story about how difficult it was to begin with, and I’ll look like quite the hero if I can then say I still nursed him for a good fifteen, or eighteen, months. I want to keep nursing so I can brag about it! How sad is that?

Sad as that last reason is, it’s still a compelling one to keep nursing. So I’m torn between wanting to keep nursing, for bonding and for bragging, and to cut him off altogether so that I can conceive a brother or sister for him that much sooner. Right now, keeping with it is the easier course, so I might just place my desire for another kid on the back burner for a few more days until PJ gives up my boob on his own.

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