A Black Mood

December 8, 2006

I don’t know what the deal is, but the last few days I’ve been really down. Yesterday I did nothing more than the absolute minimum in taking care of PJ and fought crying the rest of the time. My mom called in the afternoon, and it spiraled into a “woe is me” chat almost immediately. I hate people to know when I’m crying, so I was choking back my tears the whole time we were talking. I think she knew anyway.

I wish I knew what is causing this. Maybe it’s hormones. Maybe I’m pregnant and super-emotional because of it. Or I could just be depressed. I’ve noticed that since having post-partum depression, I’ve been more susceptible to getting depressed. Most of the time it’s not a full-fledged depression, just a down day, but this time it has lasted several days.

Thankfully M is very understanding. He went through a period in his life several years ago when he was on meds for depression, so he knows how I’m feeling. He does what he can to cheer me up, he lets me cry on his shoulder, and then he forces me to get out of the house, even though he knows I’ll hate it, just because it will help me feel better. By the time I went to bed last night, I was fine again.

I’m afraid it’s back today, though. I wonder if it’s just that I need a break from PJ. The only time away from him I can remember in the past six months or so was going for a pedicure over Thanksgiving break. One hour away, and how many countless hours attached to him? I love my son, but I’m going to go crazy if I don’t get a break soon.

And I won’t get a break any time soon. M has a business trip next week, so I won’t even be able to count on him to rescue me in the evenings. I’ll have absolute sole responsibility for PJ for those three days. Maybe that’s what’s causing this depression. I don’t know what to do without M around anymore. I don’t want to be without him.

I guess it’s probably good that things with M are going so well. Unfortunately my relationship with him can’t fix everything else in my life. But I’ll enjoy that warm, fuzzy feeling I get when I think about us; it can be the bright spot when everything else seems hopeless.