I’m not crying right now, but that’s not saying much. I had a total and complete meltdown a little while ago. M had just left to go back to work after lunch, and I just lost it. It’s been a rough morning as far as morning sickness goes. I’ve had awful diarrhea with it too, which only makes everything worse. I felt like I needed to spend every minute in the bathroom, but I didn’t know which position I would need to assume next. Is this at all normal? To have diarrhea with morning sickness? I’m afraid it’s starting to dehydrate me, with all my fluids leaving one way or the other as soon as they can make it into me. I’ve barely been able to eat a thing–half a bowl of Cheerios, one bite of lunchmeat, and the edge off a bun.
The meltdown started when I was lying in bed, writhing in a combination of stomach pain and the worst nausea ever, and listening to the dog whine to be let outside and PJ talk in his crib, telling me it was time for lunch. I couldn’t do a thing about it at the time. I had to put off their needs for my own, and it killed me to do so.
I’m afraid that this won’t be the only time I have to do that, though, and I can’t put them off indefinitely. If the morning sickness gets any worse than it has, I won’t be able to mother my own child anymore. When is it right to sacrifice the needs of the first child to take care of the second?
Right before M left for work again, we were discussing the real possibility of looking for someone to help me out at home. We have one set of nice, normal neighbors who would probably help when they could. They also attend the closest church to our house, and they could likely enlist some of their friends to help too. But I hate feeling like I’m imposing on other people, especially to take care of something that I should be doing on my own.
That’s when the meltdown started. It’s been a long time since I sobbed that hard. The worst part was that I know I could humble myself and ask for help if I really needed it. I just don’t want PJ to be raised by a series of anonymous women over the next few months because Mommy just can’t do it. What will he think about that? Will he even miss me? I always envisioned myself as being the one to teach him where his nose is and that cows say moo. That’s why I’m a stay-at-home mom after all. And circumstances may take that away from me.
Does it really matter that I’m just enough stronger in the afternoons that I’m not groaning in bed? PJ usually plays in his pen the majority of the afternoon anyway because I still don’t have the energy to chase him all over the house. I feel like either way I go, I’ll be an awful mother. I’m either irresponsible by not taking care of him much at all or passing on my responsibilities to someone else.
Just thinking about this awful dilemma is making my head hurt and the nausea come back again. I lose any way I turn, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I wish my mom wasn’t working and could come down here and take care of us.