Complete Meltdown

January 31, 2007

I’m not crying right now, but that’s not saying much. I had a total and complete meltdown a little while ago. M had just left to go back to work after lunch, and I just lost it. It’s been a rough morning as far as morning sickness goes. I’ve had awful diarrhea with it too, which only makes everything worse. I felt like I needed to spend every minute in the bathroom, but I didn’t know which position I would need to assume next. Is this at all normal? To have diarrhea with morning sickness? I’m afraid it’s starting to dehydrate me, with all my fluids leaving one way or the other as soon as they can make it into me. I’ve barely been able to eat a thing–half a bowl of Cheerios, one bite of lunchmeat, and the edge off a bun.

The meltdown started when I was lying in bed, writhing in a combination of stomach pain and the worst nausea ever, and listening to the dog whine to be let outside and PJ talk in his crib, telling me it was time for lunch. I couldn’t do a thing about it at the time. I had to put off their needs for my own, and it killed me to do so.

I’m afraid that this won’t be the only time I have to do that, though, and I can’t put them off indefinitely. If the morning sickness gets any worse than it has, I won’t be able to mother my own child anymore. When is it right to sacrifice the needs of the first child to take care of the second?

Right before M left for work again, we were discussing the real possibility of looking for someone to help me out at home. We have one set of nice, normal neighbors who would probably help when they could. They also attend the closest church to our house, and they could likely enlist some of their friends to help too. But I hate feeling like I’m imposing on other people, especially to take care of something that I should be doing on my own.

That’s when the meltdown started. It’s been a long time since I sobbed that hard. The worst part was that I know I could humble myself and ask for help if I really needed it. I just don’t want PJ to be raised by a series of anonymous women over the next few months because Mommy just can’t do it. What will he think about that? Will he even miss me? I always envisioned myself as being the one to teach him where his nose is and that cows say moo. That’s why I’m a stay-at-home mom after all. And circumstances may take that away from me.

Does it really matter that I’m just enough stronger in the afternoons that I’m not groaning in bed? PJ usually plays in his pen the majority of the afternoon anyway because I still don’t have the energy to chase him all over the house. I feel like either way I go, I’ll be an awful mother. I’m either irresponsible by not taking care of him much at all or passing on my responsibilities to someone else.

Just thinking about this awful dilemma is making my head hurt and the nausea come back again. I lose any way I turn, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I wish my mom wasn’t working and could come down here and take care of us.

Hello? Is This Thing On?

January 30, 2007

Are you all tired of hearing me whine about feeling sick? Or is it pregnancy talk altogether? I don’t know what I’m doing to run everybody off, so I don’t know what to change. If it makes anybody interested, I have one deep feelings post planned for soon, even though it is about the pregnancy. I also have a few things I could post about that are non-baby-related at all. They will most likely still be whiny, though. Well…maybe I can come up with something not whiny, but it might be a struggle. Anyway, tell me what you want to hear. I hate that you guys are all disappearing.

Not Feeling So Hot

January 29, 2007

Better post while I can…

The morning sickness has gone from non-existent to near-severe in the matter of a few days. Yesterday was somewhat better than Saturday, but today has sucked from the moment I woke up. I made myself eat a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast (which I was forced to share with PJ, as our typical morning ritual), and that settled things for a short time. I should have napped when he did this morning, but since I didn’t get a shower yesterday, I opted for one instead of a nap. Then I lay in bed and read instead of trying to sneak in a nap. During that time, my tummy went from feeling pretty decent to yucky. I’ve made several trips to the bathroom since then, but not for the reason you’re thinking. Apparently my tummy is unhappy in several different ways, and it has chosen to evacuate its contents through a relatively-preferred method. (Sorry, trying not to go into details here, for your sake as much as mine.) I’m super nauseous too, to the point that I kind of wish I could just vomit and get it over with. But I hate vomiting so much that I’m kind of relieved that has stayed away so far.

I managed to eat four bites of chicken noodle soup for lunch. I can’t decide whether to try eating more. On one hand, it might settle my stomach to have something in it again. On the other hand, it could upset my tummy, either going right through it or making me sick, which I’m still avoiding if at all possible. I haven’t thrown out the soup yet, just in case I decide to give it a shot. We’ll see what I decide to do.

Do you think it’s possible I just have a little stomach bug, since my tummy is upset in more than one way? Could this all be over in the matter of a few hours, instead of something like six weeks?

In the meantime, I feel like I’m an awful mother. I’m barely here for PJ, and I’ve given up disciplining the dog today. I’ve kind of stopped caring because I’m just too sick. PJ is in his toy pen, pulled up on the side instead of playing with his toys. He’s watching his favorite show, The Backyardigans, but it’s only keeping him somewhat distracted. He keeps dropping his toys over the side of the pen for the dog to play with. I shouldn’t let her play with them, but I’m tired of disciplining both of them for playing that game. I don’t have the energy or feel good enough today to be a mom, so I’m quitting at the bare minimum. I don’t know what I’ll do if this continues on for weeks and weeks. I’m starting to resign myself to the idea that I might need help around here. I just don’t know where to even begin looking for help. I have no resources to fall back on. I knew I should have pushed myself out of my social shell before this happened. And now it’s kind of too late.

Here We Go Again

January 28, 2007

I guess I should be grateful for the last two weeks, weeks when I was pregnant and feeling great. They are two weeks longer than I was given with PJ, as I was puking on a daily basis before I even found out I was pregnant with him. I’ve been telling myself to live each puke-free day to its max, to not take it for granted.

Despite that, I’m still rebelling against the morning sickness that has finally caught up to me. It may be only moderate so far, on-and-off nausea all day with no vomiting, but I can’t seem to find the bright side to it any longer. I just want to curl up in bed and whine about how bad I feel all day long. I’m not, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.

It doesn’t matter how many times I repeat to myself that at least I had those two wonderful weeks. I’m still just as whiny about not feeling good. I’m trying to tell myself that I have two weeks less to fight it, so I shouldn’t complain about being moderately nauseous while I am. Yet here I am complaining. Hopefully this will pass quickly and this will be the only post you have to listen to me whine about how I feel.

Confession Thursday: The Symptom I Don’t Discuss with Mom

January 25, 2007

We blamed it on being newlyweds at the time. As we became less newly wed, though, we found perhaps that wasn’t the best explanation. It turns out it was my pregnant hormones that made me so keenly interested in sex.

Even from the start last time, puky and all, I couldn’t get enough. I would force myself not to think about the nausea long enough to, uh, get the job done, then fight it for hours afterwards, a result of all the jostling.

We thought maybe it was a first trimester thing, but no. We still wonder if our little romp the night before PJ was born is what set off the contractions. That was still some of the best sex I’ve ever had, although quite possibly because it was the last sex I had for over six weeks.

Since then, any time I showed an increased interest in sex, M would comment that I must be pregnant. We’d laugh and then move on. It’s not that I haven’t been interested since then–just not as much. I assumed that since every pregnancy is different that I most likely wouldn’t be as horny with the next one. I also assumed that being newlyweds didn’t exactly help that symptom and that being an old married couple for the next baby would keep it in check.

After yesterday morning, my assumptions were way off. All he has to do is touch me gently, and I want to push him into bed and rip his clothes off. And let me tell you, the sex is WAY better now than it ever has been before. If it weren’t for the nausea and the baby itself, I’d probably stay pregnant until menopause.

On a completely unrelated side note, has anybody else stumbled across the recent drama in blogland? I didn’t even want to comment on it because it’s all so juvenile, but I can’t help myself. I want to tell both sides to just get over it. You’re an idiotic commenter who wants to hurt the blogger…seriously, do you have nothing better to do with your time? You’re the blogger with hurt feelings because of said idiot…as mentioned, they’re an idiot with nothing better to do; just ignore them altogether. You’re the reader of the blog who is upset because you think the same could happen to you…it can. If that bothers you, then it probably is best not to blog. But none of the parties needs to blow this out of proportion. Unless you’ve given out enough information that Crazy Commenter can track you down, you don’t need to go to extremes and quit your blog or go private with it. The same goes if it’s not even your blog and you’re worried about it happening to you.

On my own (other) blog, I had a series of anonymous comments for a time that essentially criticized my ability as a mother. I ignored them until one day, in a weak moment, I replied to them in my blog. I’ve regretted stooping to their level ever since. The comments may have stopped when I addressed them, but it’s just so petty. Anybody worried about what people think about them shouldn’t blog publicly in the first place. And I think I’ll just leave it at that. Go ahead…make rude comments about me all you want. I’ll delete them and move on, like the non-pre-teen girl that I am.

The Nose Knows

January 23, 2007

Anybody sick of hearing about this pregnancy yet? Because I’m nowhere near sick of talking about it yet.

Yes, I still have that headache. This makes day 4. I feel like a hermit, not going anywhere because the light hurts my head. I’m spending every possible moment in bed, trying to sleep it off yet again. It’s still not working.

To make matters worse, I’m noticing one of the big symptoms from last time make an appearance–my bloodhound sense of smell. Last time I couldn’t even lie on our couches because the smell of the leather made me sick. Even walking through our living room could be overwhelming. The smell of my shampoo or conditioner in the shower made me sick while I bathed nearly every time. My hygiene was definitely lacking because I dreaded trying to shower so much.

And now that sense of smell is back. I’m smelling diry diapers at thirty yards (if I ever got that far away from him), as well as puppy poop on the floor. Last night my dad was making margaritas, and I could smell the lime juice clear across the house. That wasn’t bad, though; it just made me crave citrus something awful. The worst is the smell of things cooking. That’s the only time I really get very nauseous anymore. I almost had to go outside into the cold to escape the smell of banana bread in the oven last night. I hate how these normally good smells are starting to gross me out. I just hope the worst of this phase passes quickly. I hate not knowing when I’m going to smell something that makes me feel sick. At least I haven’t been as sick as last time, though. I keep reminding myself of that.

Instead of Morning Sickness…

January 22, 2007

I’m on day three of the Headache from Hell. I’m not sure whether to blame it on sinuses or hormones, but there’s nothing I can do to kill it. My arsenal of meds is severely diminished, so my choices are limited. (Not that having everything available would help; my headaches are often immune to all medications.) As a result, I’ve been passing off PJ’s care to my mom as much as possible. Thank goodness we’re staying with my parents this week.

I’ve been hoping sleep would help it go away, but it doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get. I still feel just as awful when I wake up again. I’m sick and tired of this, and I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I am responsible once again for PJ and the dog since my mom has to go to work this week. A normally simple task seems overwhelming when the only thing I can think about is the pounding in my head.

I’ve been increasingly impatient with the dog in particular, although PJ is catching his share of it too. By the time this headache finally goes away, that dog may hate me. It may not matter if I can finally feel normal again.

I’m going to try yet another nap to see if maybe this time it will work. I don’t want to find out what will happen if it doesn’t.

One Week Later

January 19, 2007

It’s been one week since finding out my life was changing again. In the past week I have come to terms with the idea that I’m pregnant, but the idea of a real life baby in our future is still evading me. M and I had a few talks about logistics of the new baby last Friday but have avoided such talks since then. Although it is still a long way off, I feel entirely unprepared for an actual baby. At least I have lots of time to get accustomed to that thought.

In the last week I have also noticed my lower belly starting to swell. At first it just started feeling kind of tight, but last night I realized I can’t curl up in a ball when I sleep like I normally do because my belly was already requiring just a little more room than it used to. Now it’s starting to feel more real, now that I can notice real physical changes in me. (For clarification, the bump is not really visible at all, but I can tell the difference. Still, I’m growing faster, earlier this time. I doubt I’ll be able to wear my normal clothes nearly as long.)

Kristin, in response to your comment yesterday, now I feel kind of bad for whining about how bad my own morning sickness was last time. I miraculously managed to avoid any hospitalizations from dehydration, and I realize that bad as my situation was, it could have been much worse. Many other women have had it much worse. I’m lucky that my morning sickness was only as bad as it was. That doesn’t make it easier to hear other women complain about theirs, though, when it was mild compared to what I went through.

I feel the same way about other moms talking about their children being born prematurely. The friend I mentioned yesterday who was pregnant the same time I was last time…her little girl was born at 38 weeks. When she told me the news, she used the word “premature.” That’s after hearing about PJ’s true premature birth a full six weeks earlier. PJ was just coming home from the hospital when her little girl was born. I had to fight the urge to either yell at her or hang up on her when she called her girl premature. Ever since then, that terminology has bothered me. The definition of premature is before 37 weeks. If your kid was born at 36 weeks and 6 days, I won’t complain when you call your kid premature. But 38 weeks is not premature, even if it was a little before you really expected the kid to come. And don’t even mention mere days before the due date. I will not treat you kindly if I hear the words “2 days premature.” You can use the word “early” if you want, but since premature has a firm definition, please don’t use it wrong.

Okay, tirade over…for today.

Confession Thursday: And They Come Out of the Woodwork

January 18, 2007

I’m sorry I keep forgetting about Confession Thursdays until Thursday has long since come and gone. As you can imagine, my mind has been elsewhere lately.

Yesterday I made the big announcement on my blog. (By the way, if you read both or just figured out who I was based on that comment, please be very careful not to mention this blog if you comment over there.) It seems like all of a sudden, I’m hearing lots of friends announce their pregnancies too. I told you yesterday about the friend who mentioned on her blog two days ago that she was going into her second trimester already. Today I got an e-mail from my college roommate; she’s finally pregnant, due in August. That makes one college friend due in June (I think), another due in July, another due in August, my SIL due in August, and then me in September. That’s a lot of babies!

And with each new announcement, the green-eyed monster in me comes out just a bit more. It made sense with the first college friend and my SIL, who announced first, before I got pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant; they had what I wanted; of course I would get jealous.

So why am I still jealous of L and S, the two newest friends to “come out” about being pregnant? I appreciate the comments on yesterday’s post that I’m not the only one who has felt this way. But that doesn’t help me figure out why, and sometimes the only way I can get past a feeling is to analyze it until I know why I’m feeling it.

I’m afraid it all has to do with attention. With the last pregnancy, I was the only person I knew who was pregnant for most of the pregnancy. I finally found one more college friend who was about three weeks farther along than I was, and I welcomed sharing the experience with her. I wasn’t the only one going through that. Also, nobody else I was currently friends with, or my family, knew her. I was able to segment my preggie friend from the rest of my life; I still got all the preggie attention I craved.

This time I’m forced to share the attention. In the family, J is getting more attention since it is her first baby and it’s not really a great situation for her to be pregnant right now. She’s also much sicker than I am with this pregnancy. My group of friends mostly includes these college friends (who are now mostly friends through blogging), and they’re getting a lot more attention about their babies now because they’re farther along and have different situations with the pregnancies. H is having a surprise third baby, whom she just found out is a girl, and L has been having awful morning sickness with this one. (She claims to have had NO morning sickness with her first.)

It doesn’t help anything that their kids will be born before mine; they will hit all the pregnancy milestones, and then baby milestones, first. I will be trailing behind all of them.

And eventually a friend or family member will announce a pregnancy due after mine. And I’ll hate them just as much for it. Even though I’ll beat them to all the milestones, it will feel like they are trying to steal attention away from me. Apparently no situation would please me. I don’t want to have to go through this pregnancy alone, with no other preggie to share it with, but it fuels my jealousy to have people around who can share it with me.

What about this? Can we blame this on pregnancy hormones? Somehow I doubt it.

**Side note: The whole morning sickness thing bugs me too. L complained on her blog of such awful morning sickness this time, yet she said she never once lost her lunch. My mom said something similar when I was pregnant last time. My SIL has had to leave early from work once or twice because of her awful morning sickness. Part of me wants to yell at them that they have absolutely nothing to complain about. Try being on super expensive anti-nausea medicine and still fighting to keep any meals in your system. Try being on self-imposed bedrest because even getting out of bed means you’re rushing to the bathroom. And what if that morning sickness didn’t go away after the first trimester but continued in some form up until the day the baby is born (at least it got significantly better at 20-22 weeks). I hate it when other people feel they have the right to complain over a little bit of nausea or one or two vomits. Most people didn’t really believe me when I tried to explain how bad things were last time, and now they try to say they get it after experiencing morning sickness of their own. And it drives me crazy because they still really don’t get it. Very few people understand how bad things can get. While I understand their complaints are valid, I kind of want to tell them to shut up about it unless it gets as bad or worse than I had it.


January 17, 2007

With the last pregnancy, the worst symptom without a doubt was the morning sickness…that lasted all day, every day, for over half of my pregnancy (not even factoring in the prematurity). Thankfully, I have been spared the nausea so far. Unfortunately, my mood swings are violent this time instead. I’m blaming everything on hormones and hating myself for it, but I truly believe my insanity is entirely due to these crazy hormones.

Here are a few examples of my moodiness:
1. I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. I was angry at the dog because she wouldn’t poop when I took her outside. I was mad at M for not taking her outside before he left for work. I was annoyed with PJ for waking up earlier than I wanted him to, which happens to be the exact time he’s woken up every day for the past three weeks.

2. I cried at American Idol last night when someone cried because they were so happy they made it to Hollywood.

3. I’m practically nauseous with jealousy over a friend who just announced her pregnancy on her blog. I’m pregnant too; why am I jealous? Is it just a leftover emotion from last week?

4. I keep getting annoyed with M for no reason at all. I don’t even have specific instances because it’s happened so many times that I can’t remember specifics anymore. The good news is that I’m fighting saying anything hurtful. I don’t think I’ve said anything to hurt him yet.

In addition to these wild mood swings, I’ve been getting super exhausted. I knew this was going to happen, but I didn’t expect it to feel this bad. All of a sudden, it’s like I can’t even move anymore because I’m so tired. That’s not good when you’re supposed to be chasing a toddler and a puppy at the time. It takes everything I have to keep going until PJ’s naptime, or until M comes home and can help out.

Still, I’ll take the hormones and the exhaustion over the nausea any day!