Unresolved Issues

I am having a really hard time dealing with my SIL being pregnant. I’d thought I was over it, had gotten to a point of acceptance about it, when we left my parents’ house where the SIL and brother were. It was going to be easier not being around a pregnant J anymore.

I was so wrong to assume that. Things were better for a time, but then the other day I was talking to my mom on the phone, and she was updating me with how things went with all my siblings after we left. She mentioned how J’s morning sickness seemed to kick in worse a few days after we left. J even had to leave the table during dinner several nights because the food was intolerable to her.

It might be interesting to note that J had been all but bragging about her apparent immunity to morning sickness. She’d been “a little nauseous” at times, according to her, but nothing severe. For that reason, one sick part of me was pleased to hear that she was suffering so much the rest of her visit.

Then there’s the even sicker part of me that envies her morning sickness. I would gladly put up with the nausea again to be pregnant again (so I say now, when I don’t have to deal with it). I hate that she’s getting all this attention and worry about her still relatively minor morning sickness when I had to quit my job because of mine and narrowly avoided a hospital stay several times. Nobody seemed to really care that I was sick, and here she is with a touch of nausea and getting catered to.

I think that’s why my body reacted the way it did while I was there. I badly wanted that attention again, so my body decided to start acting like it was pregnant. If the smell of J’s decaf coffee was going to give me morning sickness, then she would have to quit drinking it. I would have won. Never mind if it was helping her; I would have been having the worse problem with the nausea, so we would do what I needed, not her.

I can be so selfish. I hate myself for that.

I hate that I’m so jealous of her. I hate that I can’t be happy for her. I hate that a part of me hopes she miscarries. I hate that another part hopes she doesn’t because then she’ll get all the attention from a miscarriage, something that I definitely did not have to deal with. And she will learn that raising a baby isn’t as easy and wonderful as she imagines.

I wish getting pregnant myself would make everything better, but it can’t fix my sick personality. I need to cope with these feelings before getting pregnant for the wrong reasons. I need to get to the point where I can be truly happy for my brother, if not my SIL. And I will get there, I know. I just need a little more time first.

3 Responses to Unresolved Issues

  1. Emma in Canada says:

    Wow. You’re so very honest. I have guilt about many of my own feelings as well. Silly things like being selfish enough to want the only female granchildren in my mum’s family. My 2 cousins both have 2 boys each and one desperately wanted a girl. Other more serious things as well. I think these feelings are natural as much as we may not appreciate them.

  2. Emmakirst says:

    I can relate. Especially now. I can’t stand my SIL more now, that she’s glowingly pregnant at almost 7 months. I had all the same feelings and I’m sure more. After last week, I doubt I’ll be able to look at her anytime soon. I’m sure that these feelings happen to most people.

  3. Hoping says:

    I, too, had feelings like this and sometimes still do. You are so honest and that is amazing that you can nakedly write about it.

    thinking of you.

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