Note to Self

April 3, 2007

Dear Self,

I know a part of you wanted to have this baby to make up for all the things that went wrong with PJ’s pregnancy and birth. You still feel some guilt about some of what happened and think you could have prevented them. That’s why you’re being so diligent about stupid things like taking your prenatal vitamin every single day, even when you’re worried it’s going to make you lose your lunch. That’s why you’re freaking out about having another urinary tract infection.

Here’s something to remember: Even if everything goes absolutely perfectly with this pregnancy and birth, it will not erase the trauma and guilt of the first. What really matters in the end is having a healthy baby anyway, and be grateful if you can be blessed with that twice.

There is no such thing as the perfect pregnancy and birth. You may have ideas in your head of what that looks like, but even if that happened, you would find little things to complain about that kept things from being perfect. Stop agonizing over making sure everything goes perfectly according to the impossible picture in your head and make sure everything goes. Things will take care of themselves, just like they did last time. Take time to enjoy the pregnancy instead.

And don’t worry so much about what might or might not happen after the birth as well. So what if this kid is a little slow developmentally like PJ has been? Do you love PJ any less because of it? You probably will suffer with post-partum depression again. You made it through the first time, and you’ll make it through again.

Here’s the most important thing to remember: Regardless of whether this pregnancy and birth resembles the first in any way, regardless of whether you have any of the same problems, there will be problems. There is no way to escape them altogether, and you know yourself well enough to recognize you will make up problems if there aren’t any obvious ones. Stop fretting about everything, past, present, and future, and start enjoying life again!