A Glimpse into my Craziness

April 20, 2007

Pretty much the only thing on my mind since yesterday afternoon has been these pictures.  When I got the idea for them while showering yesterday, I was filled with confidence about them, even though I doubted I would ever go through with them, and if I did I doubted I would do anything with them at all.  Then it came time to actually take the pictures.  I figured I would feel awkward, but I was caught up in the photography aspects of it–how to capture a photo of myself without accidentally letting the arm slip down, keeping the camera straight and zoomed to a reasonable distance, keeping the lighting decent, preventing blurry pictures…there’s a lot to think about other than my own nudity.

 I wasn’t sure what to expect when I downloaded the pictures either.  At first I was disappointed.  The expression on my face in many of them was weird, and I just hated them.  But then I found that first picture I posted.  A little editing–cropping, straightening, fix the lighting–and I was astounded.  It was astonishing to realize I looked pretty, and even a bit sexy, despite the belly.  I can only remember looking pretty a handful of times in my life, like my wedding and one formal event in college.  Although pictures like these are something I never ever in a million years expected myself to do, I fell in love with that one shot in particular and the whole photo shoot in general.  Sometimes doing something you’d never expect of yourself can be rewarding.

I showed M the pictures as soon as he got home.  I wasn’t sure what reaction I would get from him.  I mean, I had taken naked pictures of myself.  I thought he would wonder who this woman was because I wasn’t the woman he had married.  But I was forgetting that M is a man.  And I was naked.  Yeah, he liked them.  He fully supported my posting them on this blog (but not the one his mom reads 🙂 ).  He even volunteered to take more of me this weekend if I wanted some where I could use both hands to pose.  I’m thinking about taking him up on that offer.

Since I got such a great reaction from M, I decided to go ahead and post them as well (obviously).  That’s when the insecurity finally set in.  What were all of you going to think of me?  This was the first time I had ever shown you my face, and you were getting to see a whole lot more than that as well.  Maybe you’d think I was a completely different person than the one I had shown you through my words all these months.  I agonized all night and came to the decision that if nobody had commented by this morning, the post would be gone.  I couldn’t let myself keep a post like that published if it was going to make me crazy.

I woke up this morning to one comment and one e-mail about the pictures.  Clearly, the reaction was positive.  So the post remains.  My craziness of last night is in the past.  I still feel weird knowing there are naked pictures of me on the Internet, and on my own blog even, but the longer they’re there, the more likely I get over it altogether.

By the way, I have a completely unrelated question.  Do any of you remember how soon you started to feel braxton-hicks contractions?  I’m pretty sure I felt one last night and another this morning, but I don’t remember them starting this early last time.  I’m only almost 18 weeks.  Should I be at all concerned?