The Word of the Day Is…

May 1, 2007

Normal.  Completely, wonderfully, outstandingly normal.  The baby has a heart that pumps blood consistently at about 150 beats per minute.  It has a brain, a perfectly sized head, normal internal organs, all its limbs…everything a baby needs.

 Now what we don’t know for sure is whether the baby has its “boyness.”  I realized last night just how nervous I was about finding out the gender and actually prayed that the baby wouldn’t reveal the gender if I was going to react strongly (i.e. badly) to it.  Then I had a dream that we were decorating the baby’s room–in yellow and green.  Is anybody surprised that we came home from the appointment no more informed than we were when we left?

We know for a fact that we have either an uncooperative or shy baby.  S/he kept those legs crossed throughout the exam.  I can imagine him/her grinning in delight at how well s/he kept her secret a secret.  At one point, though, we got a glimpse of something between the legs that wasn’t immediately identifiable as the umbilical cord (which seemed to be clasped between the legs).  The tech said with a tiny bit of confidence that it was the “deedle,” as she called it.  She said if she was in our place, she would buy boy stuff but keep the receipts.

Fortunately, there was enough doubt about it that I didn’t react strongly at all.  With PJ’s first ultrasound, he was showing off all he had to offer from the second he popped up on the screen.  If this baby had shown that kind of exhibitionism, I probably would have been more disappointed.  Here, I’m left with doubt.  And the doubt has only increased after getting home and scrutinizing the picture we had printed of his “deedle.”  M and I have been debating what exactly it is, but it appears to be either the umbilical cord–again–or possibly even the bone of the leg, and most likely not a “deedle.”  We’re still calling it a he, though, and using the name we’d planned to use for a boy.  Finding out on the day of the birth that it’s actually a girl will be a nice surprise this way.

Because he was being uncooperative, the tech was unable to get a good look at the kidneys.  Just to make sure everything is fine with the kidneys, the tech said the doctor may agree to order another ultrasound for us.  That gives us hope that maybe, just maybe, we’ll have another shot to determine this baby’s gender–as long as he’s being more cooperative on that day.

In the meantime, though, it’s a he.  But we’re not buying blue clothes covered in footballs and dinosaurs.  We’re not that confident what I’m carrying is a boy.  It’s yellow and green for the nursery after all–just in case.

 By the way, links to the sonogram pictures are coming.  I decided to give you all the important information first since I’m guessing some of you have been checking repeatedly for this.  Oh, and when the “deedle” picture shows up, feel free to scrutinize it to see what you think.  Is it really a deedle after all?

Baby’s face in profile

The deedle shot

Thumbs-up (Baby gave a thumbs-up after successfully thwarting us yet again…I know this one is hard to see.)

The spine

A hand

The alien-looking face straight on

Today’s the Day!

May 1, 2007

First of all, please forgive any mistakes you might find.  My birthday/Mother’s Day/anniversary present arrived last night, and while I am nearly rapturous looking at its relatively huge, sparkling clear screen, I’m fighting with the different keyboard.  Yes, you guessed right; it’s a new laptop!  I would get into all the specs for you, but, well, that’s M’s territory, not mine.  I just know it’s a little bigger and way better.  Just bear with me in the adjustment period.

Anyway, I’m up super early today.  I’d love to be able to say it’s out of excitement for this afternoon’s appointment, but truthfully, it’s because PJ woke up early and his chattering woke me up, too.  I took a shower first, before even getting him out of his room (he was happy playing, and I didn’t want to disturb him), and by the time I got done, he was sleeping again.  Stinker!  Now I’m awake and ready for the day–and exhausted.  Oh, well.

As far as my mental state right now, it’s hard to say.  I waver between excitement and anxiety.  Yesterday I started hearing horror stories of ultrasounds gone wrong, where they find horrific abnormalities and birth defects during the ultrasound.  What great timing.  Now at least I’m no longer quite as worried about my reaction to discovering the gender (especially if it’s not what I’m secretly hoping for) and instead just hoping the baby is totally normal.

But honestly, even when I hear that everything looks great, a textbook case, I’m not going to feel the relief I expect to feel.  I’ll quickly forget to put things in perspective, and when the ultrasound tech points out our baby’s “boyness,” I’m going to be unable to hide my disappointment.  No matter how much I’ve made myself picture my two boys together, have convinced myself that’s what I really want, I know it’s not.  I still expect the tech to tell us it’s a boy, because I truly do believe that’s what I’m carrying, but for the first time ever I want to be proven wrong.  I want to be given permission to venture over to that other side of Babies R Us, the one with the cute dresses and frilly pink onesies and tiny patent leather shoes.  I want permission to picture goofy ponytails and princess birthday parties and giving the side of “the talk” that I actually have experience with.  I want someday to be by my daughter’s side as she herself becomes a mother.

Instead, I will probably resign myself to a life of trucks, trains, wrestling, and the occasional sticky hug and kiss.  There’s nothing less sweet about that, but I wish I could expect a better balance, a delicate, dainty girl to balance out the rough-and-tumble boy I already have.

But as long as he or she is completely normal, I don’t think you’ll hear me complain much longer after today.