Confession Thursday–Hopefully the Last Gender Debate Post

May 3, 2007

In response to all of your comments, I have already embraced the idea of gender-neutral shopping.  We already have lots (and lots and lots) of boy stuff, so adding a few more yellow or green things aren’t any big deal.  In fact, we already have the nursery theme mostly planned out, and it makes the most sense to decorate Baby’s side yellow–even if we find out the sex before we decorate.  We may just alter our color scheme a smidge to incorporate pink or blue on that side if we find anything out ahead of time.

And yes, thanks for suggesting a 3D ultrasound.  We’d mentioned it on the way home from the u/s the other day and then completely forgot we had the option.  We might be able to splurge a bit on it, if we can find a place that will do one for a reasonable price.  At the very least, I bet we can manipulate M’s mom into helping out with it since she’s so adamant about finding out for sure.  If my doctor doesn’t send us for another regular u/s, I will ask her if she has any recommendations on getting a 3D one.

On the bright side, I may have successfully psychoanalyzed myself as to why I’m so eager for this little one to be a girl, even more so than when I was pregnant with PJ.  It all started with Emily’s comment on yesterday’s post about how brothers tend to be closer than brothers with sisters.  In my experience, that simply isn’t true.  In my family, we had an opportunity for all combinations of sibling relationships.  My brothers seemed to connect the least of any pair of us.  On the other hand, both my sister and I have had outstanding relationships with each brother.  They were always so protective of us (when we weren’t fighting like cats and dogs, that is).  My older brother took it upon himself to play go-between with me and one of his friends to hook me up on my first date; he was the only one who recognized we liked each other.  My little brother–I’ll never forget this–told me when we danced at my sister’s wedding that now that his baby sister was going under someone else’s protection that the protection he’d been providing for her was transferring to me; that’s why he was dubious about M’s and my fast relationship.  Both my brothers wanted nothing more than to protect me.

I see PJ’s personality as that of a big brother to a little sister, not a little brother.  That’s most likely because of what I experienced growing up.  I always looked at my mother’s family and saw the direct parallels to my own: four kids, with each of us kids incredibly similar to the corresponding member of her family (my older brother with my oldest aunt, me with my mother, my little brother with my uncle, and my baby sister with the baby of that family).  I was proud of those parallels and that I was so much like my mother.  I always expected to be the one to carry on the pattern, with four children that corresponded perfectly with me and my siblings.  PJ would be like my older brother, which is quite likely to happen, which would make this second kid a little me.

So a part of me expects the baby I’m carrying to be just like me.  First and foremost, Baby has to be a girl for that to happen.  I’m nervous about having a boy at all like me because I’m scared of just what that would look like.  I think I could handle a girl like me because I’d know pretty much what to expect, but I worry about messing up a little boy like me because I either expect him to be like his big brother or too girly like a little me.

I know it’s silly to base my expectations about this baby on some stupid coincidence I noticed years ago.  I know how unlikely it is that I will wind up with a family that parallels the one I grew up in.  I also know that I need to work on my expectations about this baby because they are what is most likely to screw this baby up, not his or her gender.  That alone is probably the best reason I don’t know what to expect about this baby’s gender yet; it gives me more time to erase all my other expectations for him or her.