Deja Vu

I guess I was a little premature in declaring my excitement over being morning sickness free.  Yesterday and today I’ve felt much like I did in those early weeks of morning sickness, although fortunately without any rushed trips to the bathroom.  I’ve had an intermittent headache accompanying the nausea, and more than the typical hormone-related moodiness.  I’m back to taking my nausea medicine every twelve hours instead of the one per day I’d been comfortable with for the past week or so.  I’m awfully glad we decided early yesterday not to push for church (I’d been having frequent Braxton-Hicks), even though the nausea didn’t hit until later.

I think the depression I’m experiencing is prompted by the recurrence of the morning sickness.  I know it’s probably just a reaction to how quickly I suddenly weaned off my medicine and that once I get more medicine in my system again, it will be controlled again.  But the longer I suffer with both the depression and the nausea, I’m finding all sorts of things to be upset about.  It is my birthday tomorrow, and I’ll be yet another year older.  Nobody seems to care about my birthday either.  I know that will probably change tomorrow, but today I’m feeling lonely because I know only my closest relatives and M will even tell me happy birthday.

I’m also reading blogs of some of my friends who live in another town (college friends who coincidentally moved to the town where M’s parents live).  They’re both pregnant, much closer to giving birth than me, and they’re starting to throw showers for each other.  I’m suddenly realizing what I’m missing out on here by having no friends who live close.  I highly doubt anybody throws me a shower for this baby.  I lucked into one last time with PJ (after his birth), even though we had to drive an hour for it.  But not one person has mentioned the possibility of a shower this time around.  I’d assumed it wasn’t a big deal, that they just weren’t done for anything but first babies, but one of those friends I was mentioning was getting a shower for her third child.  She has everything she needs for a baby, but they still took the opportunity to throw a party, to celebrate a new life.  Nobody really seems to care that I’m pregnant, though.  My mom, my in-laws, and M of course, but that’s it.  I don’t get those sweet looks when we go out places.  Nobody asks me when I’m due at church or the store.  My family seems much more interested in the progression of my SILs’ pregnancies.  I’m feeling lonely without friends around who care specifically about my pregnancy and baby.  It helps that I have all of you guys, but it’s still not the same.  You can’t exactly offer to watch PJ when I go for my never-ending OB appointments or offer to hostess a shower.  I generally feel overlooked and neglected this time around.

It doesn’t seem to matter that I know this is the depression talking.  That doesn’t keep the thoughts of self-pity from entering my mind.  Oh, and it doesn’t help either that PJ has picked today of all days to act particularly–I don’t know–like a toddler.  I don’t have the energy to keep him out of trouble and deal with his tantrums, both because of the nausea and my defeatist attitude.  I’d rather crawl into bed for the afternoon and not have to make any decisions more complicated than whether to read, watch TV, or sleep for the next hour.

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One Response to Deja Vu

  1. Hoping says:

    sorry you are feeling so down. I am excited you are pregnant and others are probably too you just aren’t noticing maybe? Cheer up. there are wonderful things happening to you!

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