Feelings and Stuff

May 22, 2007

I avoided mentioning it yesterday, and I’m glad now that I did.  M and I have been going through an emotional time handling this pregnancy.  M, as I’ve mentioned before, is anxious about it somehow, and that has created some friction between us when I unintentionally say something that sets it off.  It happened the other night when M happened to glance over my shoulder when my blog was open and read one line about him that could potentially be taken out of context.  He knew he must have taken it out of context and refused to bring it up with me because of that, but instead withdrew altogether with hurt feelings.  I finally dragged the truth out of him and explained exactly what I was writing about in those two posts from last week about my flip-out and the resulting compromise.  That led to another discussion about what was happening with him when I talked about the baby.  Every theory he had about why he got anxious when thinking about Baby I tried to counter with words of comfort.  Instead of comforting him, however, they led to an even worse anxiety attack than before.  We both fell into a restless sleep with nothing resolved.

The next day (yesterday) when he called on his way home for lunch, M and I continued the discussion and finally realized what was probably behind the anxiety.  M was feeling overwhelmed with the thought that he was going to be responsible for taking care of four people now, both financially and otherwise.  Last week’s illness when I was incapable of helping much around the house forced M to truly care for all three of us and the house virtually alone.  No wonder the guy was overwhelmed.  So I’m now making an effort to do more now that I’m feeling human again.  Already it’s made a huge difference; M is more relaxed when he comes home to a relatively clean house and doesn’t have to immediately assume responsibility for PJ as well.  I hope I stay feeling well enough to keep contributing and taking more from M’s workload.

In a complete change of topic, I had another baby dream last night.  Our little baby boy was born practically before I realized I was giving birth–at home–and very prematurely.  For some reason I thought in the dream that I was at 30 weeks.  The baby was perfectly healthy, though, and we never even bothered rushing him to the hospital to get him checked out.  The only problem with him was that he didn’t resemble the name we had already chosen for him.  Anybody care to analyze the dream, or is it too blatantly obvious what’s on my mind?  I’m so paranoid first and foremost that this baby will decide to be born before it’s done cooking.  I hope once the progesterone shots start, I’ll stop worrying quite so much about this possibility, but I doubt that will happen.  Right now I’m just hoping and praying the baby stays in at least one more week, and next week I’ll pray for the same.

More and more I’m recognizing some bad feelings towards my SIL (the bad one).  I hope everything I’m feeling about her is wrong.  But I can’t help mourning their coming baby.  When things blow up between my brother and my SIL, I hate the thought of a baby being between them, either keeping them together when they shouldn’t or being hurt in the process.

While I’m mentioning extended family, can I say again how excited I am about our weekend trip?  Not only will I get to see my parents and pictures of this new baby (remember our 3D ultrasound on Saturday?), but it’s possible my sister and BIL will make it for the weekend as well.  Oh, and my in-laws might be there for the ultrasound, too, but I’m not quite as excited about that.  I’ve neglected to mention all the stress they have caused us with the weekend’s plans, and I’ll be good and keep it that way.  I can’t decide if I’m more eager to see all my family for my own sake, or to see how PJ reacts to them, or to see how they react to this new toddler PJ.  It will be fun no matter what.  Friday can’t get here soon enough!