I Apologize in Advance

You guys are in a heap of trouble today and possibly into tomorrow.  I have a killer sore throat that makes it hard to even whisper right now.  If I can’t talk, then how can I get these many, many thoughts out of my head?  (Along the same lines, how do you take care of a toddler when you can’t talk to him?  Not that he usually listens to me talk anyway.)  M, on the other hand, is probably loving this.  He’s probably thinking he’ll have peace and quiet at home for the first time in a long time.  I’m so making up for lost time when this gets better.

By the way, I suspect it’s allergy related.  All the climate changes over the weekend with traveling have wreaked havoc on my sinuses.  They act like they’re starting to recover today, but the damage has been done on my throat already.  I seriously can’t recall ever having this painful of a sore throat–although it probably just stands out to me more right now since it’s my only symptom, not just part of a worse head or chest cold.

Okay, more about the ultrasound now as promised.  It wasn’t remarkable at the time.  It felt much like the last one, considering we were in the same room with the same tech and the same group of people.  BabyN’s pictures turned out much better, and it was obvious he had grown considerably in the last month.  But nothing inside me changed right away.

When we got home, I was a little uncomfortable, probably due to the heat outside and the massive temperature changes my body was being forced to undergo repeatedly, so I went to lie down.  Like the grandmas didn’t love that, getting to take care of PJ by themselves.  It was while I was lying down trying to get comfortable that I let my mind drift back to the ultrasound.  Suddenly it was downright amazing that I had just gotten to see pictures of my unborn child.  I was able to see the face to go along with the name we had chosen.  It wasn’t the alien fetus face that we saw last time; this time it was more unique.  The pictures we came home with are at least somewhat different from everyone else’s because our baby is an individual and doesn’t look like anyone else’s baby.

It was a bizarre realization that the ultrasound truly did live up to its corny catch line of helping you bond with your baby.  Before, I kept letting myself forget that the huge belly contained an actual unique baby that was part of M and me.  Life kept distracting me from focusing on that fact.  I guess I kept expecting another PJ would eventually pop out of me.  Now I suddenly get that this is a baby, not PJ but BabyN.  This isn’t just a temporary experience my body is going through, but it is actually feeding and nurturing this little life inside me.

I know I mentioned it yesterday, but it has also helped considerably to know how BabyN is positioned.  The bumps and kicks I’ve been feeling for a while had grown common to me; they were just the baby’s movements.  Now I can feel something and think to myself, “Oh, that’s BabyN’s arm” and “Over here is his butt sticking out.”  It’s hard to explain why that in particular helps me bond with him.  I guess it’s that identifying specific body parts causing the bumps and kicks makes him more like my baby than something anonymous.  I feel like I know my son better if I can tell what he is doing in there to make me feel what I’m feeling.

Off the topic, while we thought we had everything we really needed to bring BabyN home from the hospital at any time, that changed over the weekend.  My mom has been in search of a playard for some time now that she’s thinking about the needs of four grandbabies, not just the one.  My brother and SIL in particular would be flying across the country when they visit and won’t have a playard or crib with them.  My mom had set aside money to go buy one that would work but wasn’t as fancy as what she really wanted.  She was hoping to have the playard before our visit this past weekend.  When she mentioned that to me, I said in complete jest that she could just have ours and buy us a new one instead.  She hesitated for a second, and I was afraid I’d offended her.  I repeated over and over after that that I was joking.  Ours was perfectly fine.  Apparently she didn’t agree when she heard my lame reasons for even considering a new one.  She called while I was packing on Friday to tell us to bring the playard but that we’d be leaving it there.  She’s buying us a new one instead.  Of course I feel guilty now, but you don’t argue with my mom.  So we’re technically not totally ready for BabyN’s arrival yet; we need to decide on and go buy a new one first.  I guess I’ll put up with that nuisance.

I’ll spare you the rest of my ramblings for now.  PJ went back to sleep for me, so I might just do the same for a few minutes, if my throat will cooperate.

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