Too Chicken to Try

October 31, 2007

Last year, I signed up for NaBloPoMo the second I heard about it.  You guys have seen my blogging habits.  I typically blog every day.  It made perfect sense to sign up to do something I do anyway.  I ended up finding a few new regular readers–and blogs to read–out of the deal.

As a result, I’ve been looking forward to the event all year long.  Yet I find myself hesitating to put my name on the list this year.  While I can remember the pride I felt when achieving my goal at the end of the month, I also remember the difficulties I had reaching that goal.  I had a really tough time sneaking off to blog over the Thanksgiving holiday at my parents’ full house.  None of them knew about this blog, so I couldn’t just pull out the computer and write something in public.  I also didn’t want to leave the festivities to be by myself during the day, and most of the week’s entries happened just barely before midnight when I was exhausted from the day and eager to get to bed.

This year would be just as bad, if not worse.  I can’t guarantee we’ll have a space to call our own at my parents’ house, thanks to the three extra family members coming this year (the new babies).  I also expect to have a few nights like last night, where I was lucky to get a full four hours of sleep.  When that happens, I’m so exhausted by bedtime the next day that even getting ready for bed seems overwhelming to me, much less adding in the duty to blog as well.  I highly suspect I would give up on NaBloPoMo right there at the end of the month.

So I’m not planning to sign up this year, as much as I’d like to.  But it’s not as much because I’m afraid I wouldn’t make it all month.  I don’t like failing at something, but that doesn’t mean I don’t try anyway (otherwise I wouldn’t have kids!).  Really, I don’t want to feel the pressure from the commitment.  I don’t want to go to bed exhausted during Thanksgiving week and still feel like I absolutely must blog as well.  And do it all before midnight if I’d rather stay up later one night.

I guess that means I’m unofficially part of NaBloPoMo.  I plan to attempt to blog every day, but I’m not going feel bad if I just don’t feel up to it one day.  So I guess that means nothing is changing.  What a long way to say that!

By the way, happy Halloween!  I’ll probably link you to some cute Halloween pictures of the boys tomorrow.  Check back for those.

A Post with ADD

October 30, 2007
  1. My mom’s surgery is today.  She should be out of the operating room any time now.  I hope my dad calls to let me know she made it ok.
  2. We’re going to visit them this weekend, about the same time my mom should be getting home from the hospital.  Really it’s for yet another interview up there, but the timing certainly is convenient.  (I doubt we end up taking the job, even though it will probably be offered.)
  3. I just saw my first holiday commercial.  Seriously!  It’s not even Halloween, and I’m still wearing short sleeves!
  4. I have my post-partum check-up today.  I’m scared but not about the appointment–about taking both boys out alone instead.  I need to get used to it, I guess.
  5. M talked to his mom yesterday about the comments.  He said that with my post-partum hormones I can’t stand to hear about how much she wants to see the boys since I can’t do anything about it.  He’s encouraging me to find a way to stop letting her comment if they continue now.  I think they’re annoying him now too.
  6. I’ve typed this whole post one-handed.  Pretty good, huh?  I better get used to it because I don’t think BabyN is going to let me set him down much anytime soon.
  7. M got his first-ever bonus yesterday.  It was way more than expected.  Guess we’re having a good Christmas this year!

Chipper Kayce is Back

October 29, 2007

BabyN finally quit crying last night, in his bed without any comfort from me.  I got a few hours of “me” time before bed, and then had a good night’s sleep.  I’m wondering if part of the fussiness was his way of transitioning to one less feeding at night because he surprised me by sleeping much longer between feedings last night.  I’d forgotten that PJ often had a few fussy days when he was about to make a breakthrough.  That was always my last guess when I’d get frustrated with him, and then my mom would have to remind me that was a possibility.  She was usually right.  Too bad I didn’t consider that possibility earlier this time.

Anyway, you guys are going to think I’m totally crazy, especially after last night’s post.  I’ve already let myself start thinking about another.  I love my two sons, but somehow the family doesn’t quite feel complete yet.  M on the other hand is deadset that this is it.  I agree that the thought of another pregnancy right now is not the least bit appealing, nor is the thought of another fussy baby.  But three or four years from now I think I might just be ready.  The problem is that I can’t mention anything or M’s gut reaction will be to fight it.  I suspect that in another few years he might accept it readily, but I have to make him think it’s his idea to have another.  So if I act like I don’t want another, he might just change his mind on his own.

I sound awfully manipulative, don’t I?  I’m not usually like this, and I hate sounding manipulative.  I just know that neither of us is the least bit ready right now, and by waiting I’ll either change M’s mind or my own.  Right now I’m kind of hoping for the former.

Of course, this is only taking into consideration the possibility of getting pregnant again.  While we’ve said no more children, the reasons are partly because we don’t want to deal with another pregnancy and partly financial.  If things get much more stable in the financial department, M might be okay with more kids as long as the pregnancy option is out of the picture.  And I think I’m fine with the idea of adoption.  It’s become much less important to me to bear children genetically connected to me now that I’ve experienced it twice.  I’m more interested in the idea of a third child at all, and if we can give a home to a child who might not have one otherwise then I don’t see why not.

But any of these thoughts will have to wait.  And maybe my mind will change in the meantime.  I know if M knew what I was thinking right now, this is what he would hope for.

Losing It

October 28, 2007

Every few hours I’m forced to go to extremes to try to comfort BabyN again.  And sometimes he’s only comforted for a few minutes before the next meltdown starts.  My arms and back hurt from holding him, and my emotions are raw.  The lack of sleep is impairing my judgment, too.  I have to really focus to not do something I’ll regret just to make that harsh cry stop.  The stress is getting to me.  Right now, he’s screaming in his bed because I just can’t handle it right now.  I need a break.  (By the way, M is doing everything he can to help, but BabyN usually only quiets down even for a few minutes for me.)  None of us are getting enough sleep, which makes us all cranky.  And when I’m cranky from lack of sleep, I have a whole lot less patience, especially with hyper and disobedient toddlers who also did not get enough sleep.  I want a few hours all to myself, without anyone screaming for my attention.  If that doesn’t happen soon, I think I’m going to lose it altogether.  I know this stage won’t last forever, but I’m to the point where every extra minute it goes on feels like forever.

A Good Start

October 27, 2007

It may only be 10:00 on Saturday morning, but the weekend is already off to a good start.  After BabyN had two more meltdowns late yesterday, he slept pretty well last night.  (The gas drops we got yesterday seem to be helping the gas pain if not the gas itself.  As long as he lets me sleep…)  M also got a good night’s sleep and woke up chipper.  PJ always wakes up happy in the mornings.  How can I not also be in a good mood when everyone around me is too?

In other news, I called my doctor yesterday to change my post-partum check-up.  I was supposed to have it next Friday, but then M and I decided to go out of town next weekend.  I assumed I’d have to reschedule it for the next week, but it turns out they have an opening on Tuesday.  That makes my six-week check-up only five weeks and a few days after BabyN was born.  It’ll be nice to officially return to the world of the non-pregnant, but that means I have a few less days to lose the last pound and a half to get to pre-pregnancy weight.  I made it by my post-partum check-up last time, and I’m hoping to do the same this time.

Apparently I’m still a bit tired, even though I’m happy.  My mind is only half-functioning and I can’t think of the other things I meant to blog about today.  It’s the weekend anyway, and nobody’s going to read this, so I guess it’s better if I forget to say anything I really want anyone to read.


October 26, 2007

I haven’t mentioned anything about my FIL on here for a few days, but the drama is definitely still going on.  He’s spent a few days at the hospital in the bigger town, where he got another blood transfusion.  That makes three, if you’re counting.  They ran several tests, all of which were inconclusive.  They showed nothing was wrong, so they still don’t know what was causing the bleeding.  Last night, my MIL called to say that since they can’t find anything wrong, they’re discharging him from the hospital and just sending him home.

I don’t know about you, but that seems like a big leap.  I mean, we’ve all seen House.  He never sends a patient home if they’re showing serious symptoms without finding out what the cause is.  I know real life has to be different, but this situation seems totally illogical.  My best guess is that I’m not hearing the full story from my MIL.  She’s either giving us her totally slanted view of the truth, or she failed to tell us some news along the way.  Perhaps his symptoms cleared up before they started the tests or something.  I don’t know.  But I’m confused about what is really going on, and I’m starting to wonder how much of what I’ve heard was ever the truth.

I’m also confused today about what’s going on with BabyN.  He had another huge crying spell last night.  Fortunately it happened before bed and M helped a lot (I couldn’t have managed without him), but it lasted much longer, over an hour, and we couldn’t find anything to do to calm him for more than a minute at a time.  I think the crying started with gas pain–he farted a lot when I moved his legs around, compressing his belly some–and then he just couldn’t stop crying once he started.  We had a shorter episode of the same thing this morning, too.  I feel so bad for BabyN that he hurts that bad, and I can’t handle the screaming and being unable to calm him.  I don’t know what we’re going to do to help him; I certainly can’t go without sleep to the extent that I’ve had to the last few nights.  Does anybody else have any suggestions for us to help him with his gas issues?  I know we’re not the first parents to deal with this.

Oh, What a Night!

October 25, 2007

I was optimistic when I put BabyN down to sleep last night.  Why shouldn’t I be?  He’s slept consistently well between feedings for the past, oh, probably twenty nights.  For a kid who’s only a month old, that’s pretty impressive.  There might have been one or two nights when I had to get up and tend to him once or twice between feedings, but I’d gotten used to his otherwise impressive sleeping schedule.

So last night after a good four-hour stretch of sleep, BabyN woke to eat.  Totally expected, no big deal.  But I noticed that while he was eating, he wasn’t half asleep as usual.  I still didn’t think it was a big deal as he was getting drowsy by the time he finished.  I put him back down in his crib and crawled into bed where I crashed.

I had just dozed off when he started fussing.  For the next half hour, I got up every few minutes to put the pacifier back in his mouth or reswaddle him or move his legs to help him fart (the usual reason he wakes up fussing at night).  After that half hour I was so frustrated that I gave up and pulled him to bed with me, deciding that the light sleep I get while co-sleeping is better than none at all.  A spit-up and lost pacifier later I figured out co-sleeping wasn’t going to work either.  He was far too upset to settle down at all.

For the next two hours, I walked the house with him, rocked him, and tried everything I could to get him to settle down and sleep.  At last he was comfortable, but he was still wide awake.  I wasn’t.  I risked it and brought him back to bed with me, hoping he would at least let me sleep even if he wouldn’t.  He dozed off just minutes before I expected him to wake up and eat again.  That makes nearly three full hours of being awake in the middle of the night.

I got a forty-five minute nap before he woke up hungry, then another hour before he woke up gassy, and then finally two full hours after M went to work (with PJ chattering in his room the whole time, I think).

I guess when I put things in perspective, it really wasn’t that awful of a night.  I managed to piece together probably nearly six hours of sleep in short segments.  I don’t work well with less than eight, but I do have a newborn after all.  I’m going to take advantage of this opportunity to complain, but know that I recognize I am lucky.  This is the first night I’ve had a right to complain about, and that’s miraculous with a tiny baby.  I lucked out with two good sleepers, last night notwithstanding.  After one good night’s sleep I’ll be back to normal, and trust me when I say I won’t complain about lack of sleep too often.

Too Sad

October 24, 2007

You know I don’t normally do this, but I really don’t have the desire to write anything deep or silly or whiny today.  Instead of reading anything here, please go see Becca today.  She just heard unimaginable news, and I agree with her that it’s totally not fair.  Nobody deserves to go through what she’s going through.  So just skip over my blog today so that you can give her sympathy instead.

And for the record, she was not the subject of that gut feeling I was talking about yesterday.  I could have sworn she was going to come through this fine.  I guess that shows just how right my gut feelings are.  I’ll shut up about them now because I never want to be this wrong again.

Gut Feelings

October 23, 2007

This is totally random, I know, but I’m curious.  Does anybody else sometimes get gut feelings about people sometimes?  Mine range from just being creeped out by someone who turns out to be crooked to suspecting both good and bad things in people’s futures.  For example, I’ve known women were pregnant before they did.  I’ve also had dreams in the past that seemed out of place at the time but ended up being true.  Well, right now I have one of these gut feelings about another blogger (not one that reads regularly that I know of), and it’s not a good one.  I’m just praying I’m wrong this time.  After all, I never can predict what’s going to happen in my own life, so why should I have that privilege with anyone else?

By the way, the rude comments I mentioned yesterday were on this blog, but I deleted them right away.  They were hurtful enough that I didn’t want to have to encounter them every time I headed over here or have any of you feel the need to defend me (or even worse, support her!).  I’m feeling better about it now because I’ve come to the realization that it’s just a bully who clearly does not have children of her own and doesn’t know how to read a full post before opening her mouth (or fingers?).

Today’s FIL update: Nothing newsworthy to report.  He didn’t get moved after all because he couldn’t get a doctor to sign off on the transfer papers.  They said a specialist would have to do that…but they couldn’t get a specialist to see him until he’d been transferred.  That’s a catch-22 if I’ve ever seen one.  Fortunately, he seems to be improving sort of now, and his general doctor has agreed to have him transferred to a different bigger town hospital where he works part of the time that will also have a specialist for him to see.  (Confused?  Sorry.  I am too.)  With any luck, he will have a diagnosis later today and real improvement can happen.

This and That and the Kitchen Sink

October 22, 2007
  • No news today on M’s dad.  He had another transfusion last night and was supposed to be transferred to Big City Hospital this morning.  M’s mom supposedly had to be at work today, so she hasn’t been giving out updates.  (That is a lie, by the way; she forgets that I used to work in the school system as well and happen to know something about how they do days off.)  If the news we find out tonight is super important, I may update later tonight, but otherwise we’ll assume not much has changed.
  • BabyN is a month old today.  Where did that last month disappear to?  If you know of the other blog, feel free to head there and check out the adorable pictures in the post.  I’m quite proud of the last one in particular.
  • We had a cold front come through this morning.  Fall has finally arrived here!  I love gray, dismal days like this.  Unfortunately, I’m suddenly forced to take inventory of cold-weather clothes and have found both boys to be be dreadfully lacking.  BabyN has about four or five long-sleeved outfits, one of which is too fancy for daily wear, and PJ had one pair of pants that sort of fits and one light jacket.  I think we’re making an emergency trip to Babies R Us tonight to start filling in the gaps.  I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming!
  • We got PJ’s hair cut yesterday.  He was a dream.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen him sit that still without food in his hands.  He’s so cute with the shorter hair.  I may post a picture on my flickr account for you later this week.
  • I can’t help but touch briefly on the drama that ruined my day on Saturday and that I’ve attempted to avoid mentioning here.  How do you react to random people leaving rude comments on your blog that attack your very character?  (Note: this is not anything to do with my MIL; I’ve never heard of or met the person.)