I apologize for yesterday’s lengthy rant. I won’t take it back and say I’m not frustrated as all get-out about this unnecessary, wasteful trip, but I probably didn’t need to go on about it for that long. I’ve noticed that I definitely have more positive phases and more negative ones. I’m clearly in a negative one right now. The phases have to do with what kind of a day I’m having with the joint pain. Needless to say, it’s been bad lately. The last two or three days have been the worst yet. M and I are trying to work out a plan to get me to the doctor. Unfortunately, we can’t do so until after his trip. It all comes back to that, doesn’t it?
There’s not much else to talk about other than that. The rest of my life is this difficult process of learning all over how to interact with my son. It’s harder than you realize to make those changes, to form new habits, and to remember all the things I’m supposed to be doing.
My mom and husband have been very helpful as I’ve fought the inevitable guilt. I keep wondering how things would have been different if I’d pressured PJ’s doctor a little more back when I first started worrying about his language skills. After all, I see him every day while he only sees him a few times a year for a few minutes at a time. If I’m worried, shouldn’t we at least look into whether that’s a valid concern instead of just brushing it off? My mom was telling me just yesterday, though, that she has all sorts of regrets about how she dealt with situations with us as we grew up too. We all pulled through it fine and it doesn’t accomplish anything to wonder about those what-ifs. Although I obviously know that, it doesn’t hurt to hear it again.
I also asked M yesterday if he thought that being pregnant with BabyN caused some of the issues. For several months, I was unable to give him the same attention I wanted to because of the morning sickness. I also wondered if it hurt that I couldn’t play on the floor with him at all in the last few months. M pointed out that because I couldn’t move as much, I had to rely on PJ much more to start doing things for himself. That’s why he is so much better at listening and understanding than the other areas of communication. If things had been different during the last year or so, he might be just as far behind in his responsive communication as the other areas.
I’m constantly reminding myself that this isn’t anybody’s fault. Perhaps if I knew all the tricks they’re teaching me, I could have helped PJ earlier and kept him from getting as far behind…but there is simply something wrong with PJ and how he processes things. Nothing I have done or haven’t done is behind PJ’s problems. It’s not worth beating myself up about. And he’s getting help now. That’s what’s really important.
(Thanks for listening to me comfort myself. I think that’s really what this post is. Now I have it written, so when I lapse back into guilt, I can go back and read this and remind myself that it’s pointless to feel guilty.)