Yeah, so I changed the look again. It’s been forever since I started over with this blog, and I had some cute pictures to show off…so there you go. I also decided the dark look I’d had for months needed to be brightened. Now I can write about sad and depressing stuff and it won’t feel nearly as bad because look! I have cute baby pictures at the top! With a cute, happy font! It says that I’m really happy after all and totally in love with my new baby (which I totally am…how could you not be? Look at him!), regardless of the complaining you’re reading.
So commence complaining…
Okay, don’t laugh at me. Or do, I don’t really care. A week or so ago, M and I were enjoying a new pre-nookie activity. He took some pictures of me done up in one of my few pieces of lingerie. It was fun, and the two of us got to laugh at me trying to act sexy and feeling self-conscious about it. Unfortunately the camera’s flash was acting finicky, though. When I downloaded those pictures the day before his parents got here (I could just see myself downloading those to show them new pictures of the boys and giving his mom an eyeful), I discovered just how bad they really were. You could barely see me because of how washed-out the lighting made me. I went through and deleted them all.
But that doesn’t mean I didn’t see plenty before hitting the delete key with such eagerness. What my husband called sexy and hot was in reality disgusting. Isn’t it amazing how much more cameras can catch that you can’t–or refuse to–see in the mirror? My face looked about as embarrassed as I felt. My body was…chunky. The only shape to it came in the form of those huge lactating boobs.
Now I’m not a large woman; I think I’ve made that clear before. I’ve been blessed with a small frame and excellent metabolism. After BabyN’s birth, I bounced right back to my reasonable pre-pregnancy weight, and I’ve stayed there since. But motherhood has forever changed the shape of my body. My hips are wider, my butt flatter (not round and perky like it used to be), and my belly flabbier. While I mentally expected these changes, it was totally different to see them all put together on my body in those pictures.
Since then, I’ve been very self-conscious. My husband may love what motherhood has done to my body, but I don’t. I’d assumed that because my weight bounced right back that I looked pretty much like I used to. Sure my belly has a little extra skin and stretch marks, but that’s it, right? Not even close. Now even while I hold and love on my sweet baby that I wouldn’t trade for the world, I mourn the price I paid to have him.
I’m doing my best not to let it bother me, though–even when it obviously does. This is something I can do something about after all. While I work on accepting my body the way it is, I will also be working to tone it a little bit, get rid of that flab on my belly and re-round my butt. Any day the joint pain is under control at all, I’m working out. M and I are going to do something together, as he’s anxious to lose a few pounds as well.
Does anybody have any good ideas for a workout DVD we should try? I had great success with tae bo several years ago, so I’ve been looking at that again, but I’m open to other suggestions as well. Anything to start feeling a little better about myself.
Of course, the last time M and I started working out together, I found out I was pregnant a week later. But history doesn’t repeat itself, right? Right?