I’m Okay

April 14, 2008

I haven’t wanted to say anything about what’s going on because it’s really not interesting and actually kind of embarrassing for me.  But I don’t want anybody to worry about me, so I guess I better fill all of you in.

Long-time readers may remember that I admitted ages ago to being uncomfortable in social situations.  It’s something I’ve fought my whole life, this shyness that goes far beyond your typical shyness.  College and the few years of teaching that followed it somehow forced it into a far corner of my personality, enough that I thought it was gone forever.

But essentially being on bedrest during most of the pregnancy with PJ and moving to a new area where I knew no one pulled the problem back out of hiding.  I rarely interacted with people, so I lost the ability to do so as well as I used to be able to do.  Fortunately, I haven’t needed to do too much socially without my husband or my children to direct the social interactions.  They’ve been my crutch, and I’ve been quite happy using them as such.  That is the main reason I don’t go anywhere without them.

But that’s not really the point right now.  Up until recently, I’ve felt socially free on the web, blogging about anything and everything without worry about what I’ve said or how it’s being taken.  Lately, however, even my blogging has been affected by my social issues.  I feel like everything I write is stupid and that I’m being judged for what I’m saying and how I’m saying it.  If I don’t get comments, then I assume you’re all rolling your eyes at me and that what I’ve written doesn’t warrant a response.  If I get a comment, then I always read it as though you have a condescending tone and are rolling your eyes while you write it.

I know none of that is true, but I can’t keep the hint of paranoia out of my blogging interactions right now.  It’s been particularly bad when I leave comments for people.  As soon as I hit “publish” on any comment, I immediately regret it.  It’s the stupidest thing I could have written for the stuation and both the author, whom I know, and her other blog friends, whom I don’t know, are going to read that stupid comment and see how stupid I really am and how badly I interact with people.  That’s the real reason I rarely comment on blogs; consider yourself lucky if I’ve EVER commented on your blog, much less regularly.

It’s actually been a little freeing lately, giving myself a break from all the social worries.  I’ve been reading as always, but I haven’t had one issue over the last few days where I was afraid people were thinking badly of me since I hadn’t written anything new that could be judged.  I saw posts where I probably needed to leave a comment, but I didn’t.  I didn’t feel bad about not leaving one either, as I’d already notified anyone who reads my blog that I wouldn’t.  It was nice.  I like not feeling that pressure to interact when I knew I would just worry about whether my responses were appropriate.

Anyway, I’m rambling now.  I think (hope) I answered those questions about why I took a few days off.  This is simply an explanation; please don’t think I said anything to get pity or sympathy out of you.  I’ll probably continue in my blog silence for a few more days until I’m starting to feel a little better about it all again.

And now I desperately need to go start baking M’s birthday cake.  Can you believe my hubby turns 27 today?

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