Now I’m regretting saying anything at all. But I still feel like I owe you an explanation, so I’m leaving the post up as much as I’m cringing about it. And in the meantime, I am making myself not read anything into your comments other than what the words are actually saying. Let me tell you, that’s harder than you would think.
So in answer to your question, MrsSSG, as far back as I can remember this has been at least somewhat of an issue. The earliest incident I can recall related to this happened when I was about four. We were taking a friend home, and when I saw her house, I said something about how ugly her house was. It was, but that was entirely inappropriate for me to say, especially in front of her. My mom chastised me for being so inconsiderate because it hurt her feelings. I was old enough to understand the lesson, and since then I have always been super-sensitive to how other people are reacting to what I say.
Junior high probably finished me off for being that self-conscious. I know I’ve referenced some issues there in the past. I was a target of some serious bullying (not that I wouldn’t have bullied me if I was anybody else–I was a prime target), and it took its toll on me. From then on, I’ve always worried that people who claim to be my friends are going to treat me the way these “friends” did. It takes a long time for me to feel truly comfortable around new people.
Anyway, I don’t really want to talk about it anymore. I’m embarassed enough that I ever mentioned it. It’s really not a big deal, and I’ll continue coping with it the way I always have. Just understand that if I disappear for a few days, this is probably why. But I’ll always be back.