Dang It

Now I’m regretting saying anything at all.  But I still feel like I owe you an explanation, so I’m leaving the post up as much as I’m cringing about it.  And in the meantime, I am making myself not read anything into your comments other than what the words are actually saying.  Let me tell you, that’s harder than you would think.

So in answer to your question, MrsSSG, as far back as I can remember this has been at least somewhat of an issue.  The earliest incident I can recall related to this happened when I was about four.  We were taking a friend home, and when I saw her house, I said something about how ugly her house was.  It was, but that was entirely inappropriate for me to say, especially in front of her.  My mom chastised me for being so inconsiderate because it hurt her feelings.  I was old enough to understand the lesson, and since then I have always been super-sensitive to how other people are reacting to what I say.

Junior high probably finished me off for being that self-conscious.  I know I’ve referenced some issues there in the past.  I was a target of some serious bullying (not that I wouldn’t have bullied me if I was anybody else–I was a prime target), and it took its toll on me.  From then on, I’ve always worried that people who claim to be my friends are going to treat me the way these “friends” did.  It takes a long time for me to feel truly comfortable around new people.

Anyway, I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.  I’m embarassed enough that I ever mentioned it.  It’s really not a big deal, and I’ll continue coping with it the way I always have.  Just understand that if I disappear for a few days, this is probably why.  But I’ll always be back.

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4 Responses to Dang It

  1. erin says:

    I actually completely understand where you’re coming from. I don’t comment a whole lot on blogs because even if I might have a response, it NEVER comes out of my mouth right. It always sounds wrong. When I do comment I second guess what I’ve written. A lot of times I don’t even blog because I can’t think of the right way to say what I’m thinking or I think everybody will think it’s boring. Well that and I don’t have a whole lot of time. Anyway I know how you feel. Over the past year or so I’d started to try to make friends and get together with current friends and whatnot because I felt like that’s what people are supposed to do, right? And every single time I always leave feeling uneasy…I said this and that and they probably took offense or think I’m stupid…I did this and I just KNOW I totally offended somebody. You don’t know how many times I’ve called my mom on the way home, crying, because I feel like I’ve made a fool of myself or I’ve completely wasted my free time on a person who I feel obviously doesn’t give a crap about me. More often than not it turns out all these fears and feelings I have are completely unfounded and I was completely wrong about what these people were thinking…but I still can’t help but be so incredibly paranoid and sensitive and just obsess about it forever. So lately I’ve just quit putting myself in these situations. My few close friends (ok they’re actually family, that counts right?) are all I need right now. I feel myself pulling back and wanting to just stay home. I hate having to go out in public, like to go shopping at Walmart. It stresses me out so bad I start to feel bad even physically. I like being home where I feel completely at ease.

    Plus I really don’t know how to maintain friendships…I don’t know when to be there w/ support, when to back off, when to call, when not to call, how long to talk on the phone, how long to stay when I’m invited over (I’m always afraid I’m overstaying my welcome–I wish people would just say “Ok nice visiting but you need to go now”)…I’m just so horrible in social situations.

    We went to my Uncle’s 60th birthday party this Sunday. I knew about 3 people there other than my aunt and Uncle. So naturally, I hid in a corner and ate and then talked w/ my cousin in a bedroom til everybody left. I told my mom about 10 times on the drive there that I wasn’t going to know anybody and I was already starting to feel uneasy. She doesn’t feel the same way I do so she just tells me I’ll be fine.

    I also took Hailey to an old co-worker’s house Saturday for her granddaughter’s 2nd birthday party–her and Hailey were born 2 days apart. I cannot believe I actually went. There were like 35 people there, and I knew 3 of them, just from work. I felt so rude but I sat w/ my back to everybody while they all ate and I just watched Hailey play. I just felt so uncomfortable! I did talk a little, but I never know what to say?? Right after she opened her presents I made an excuse about Hailey needing a nap and we left. We went to my mom’s house and of course Hailey didn’t nap…but I just needed to be around somebody I feel at ease around.

    It’s bad for me that I have to work outside the home. I am constantly paranoid my coworkers are all talking behind my back about how weird I am and how much I suck. I totally get that “Nobody likes me everybody hates me…” feeling here.

    Is any of this making any sense?? If it makes you feel any better, none of your comments you’ve left me ever sound awkward or anything. And if people don’t leave me comments I feel like everybody thinks I suck, or I’m so boring, or they hate me for whatever reason. I’m always worried people don’t like me or think I’m weird. If I’ve ever offended you in any of my comments…yea I totally didn’t mean it the way you thought 🙂 If you ever need to talk, you can always email me. It’s nice to hear I’m not the only one with these sorts of fears and feelings.

    And, now that I write this, yea I feel awkward…

  2. erin says:

    Wow I wrote a novel.

  3. MrsSSG says:

    Events that happen in our lives shape who we are as adults and I know that you have a ton of great qualities and are a happy person, this does not define who you are it is just part of who you are. For me, having a family of my own now and many responsibilities I choose to keep friends that “fill my well” around and those who empty it out, I don’t worry about making new friends but I do worry about making good first impressions just as much as everyone else.

    BUT your blog is your place, your place to say what you want and do what you want – I know people have criticized you before (even me on the whole global warming topic) but really I don’t think the blogosphere is meant to imitate high school even though at times it does. Shake things off as much as you can and know that a lot of judgement and criticism comes from others’ insecurities and even though you are insecure as you say in social situations, I would not have known from your writing unless you said something abou it. I love your writing style and enjoy your honesty.

  4. Erin says:

    I also enjoy reading your posts and I sometimes do not comment. Want to know something strange? I amd pretty good in social settings, I like to be noticed…at the same time, I am always wondering if people are talking about me or if they are gossiping and I get paranoid too. I wonder if that is how we all are?

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