Last night I dreamed (again) that I was pregnant. I hadn’t tested yet but was about to, but I was absolutely positive that I knew the result, despite not feeling any normal pregnancy symptoms. And I was ecstatic about it.
In real life, not so sure. I change my mind every day–depending on the kids’ moods–about whether I think I could handle another baby. I know for a fact that I’m not ready for one now. But that doesn’t keep me from thinking about the what-ifs. As scared as I would be about being pregnant again now, I know I would also be thrilled. Yet I know that’s not what’s best for our family right now.
I’m guessing that this desire for always one more baby is normal. It may be impractical or even impossible to get pregnant again, but we still have a deep-rooted longing for it anyway. Those of you who have had a completed family for some time now, does this feeling ever go away? Or when your children are quickly becoming grown, do you still sometimes daydream about what it would be like to have another?
PJ is also quickly becoming normal. I know I’ve mentioned his tantrums, which are frustrating as hell but totally normal for a two-year-old. He’s also communicating much better, to the point that I understand him much of the time and he can tell me what he needs and wants. It’s still not quite to the level of a typical two-and-a-half-year-old, but it’s probably at least six months of progress in the last two.
I’m also reminded of how normal he is as we watch our second episode of Blue’s Clues this morning. It’s an absolute obsession; he asks for it as soon as he wakes up and won’t give up until he’s given his blue crack. I’m just thrilled it’s not Dora.
After a few minutes of being a zombie in front of the TV, he runs off to “go play” as he says and runs back with his teddy bear clutched to his chest. It’s nearly as big as he is. That makes it perfect in his mind to do imaginary play with. In the past few days, I have changed the bear’s diaper hundreds of times, putting him in some of BabyN’s clothes after, and helped PJ give him a bath even more times. Then I’ve sat with PJ while he’s fed the bear in BabyN’s high chair.
Watching him play has reminded me that my baby boy really is two now. He hasn’t really acted two until recently, so in my head he was still just a big, walking version of that little baby. I used to be thrilled that I got to keep my baby a baby longer than most mothers, but I don’t find myself missing that baby at all now. I’m just so relieved to see him acting normal that I wasn’t stunned into nostalgia by the quick transition from baby to normal two-year-old.
By the way, speaking of things that are more normal, go check out Erica‘s blog again. She’s back home and already blogging again. She is an absolute miracle, and I am stunned at how strong she is.