Enlightenment

When I got that first comment yesterday, I was hurt, even if it was at least partly true.  That happens every time I get a critical comment.  I don’t take criticism well.

I debated about what to do about it.  Do I delete it?  Do I ignore it?  Or do I defend myself?  I tried to deny her the satisfaction of getting a response out of me, but it was tough.  Finally I realized that I was torturing myself for nothing.  As hard as I tried to hold myself back, eventually I would give in and reply to her comment.  What was the point in putting off the inevitable?

And that taught me one of the most important lessons of my life: I am who I am.

I can fight my nature or hide certain aspects of my personality from people, but that won’t actually change who I am.

I took some time last night to evaluate who I really am.  I started listing in my mind all my good qualities as well as my bad ones.  I am learning to embrace my true personality, even my flaws (of which there are many).  Until I can do this, I will continue to be hurt when others point out these flaws.

Okay, truthfully I will probably be hurt anyway, but I’ve decided that I’d rather open up and let myself be vulnerable.  I don’t want anybody reading my blog out of pity for me or to see what outlandish thing I say next; I want all of you to like me for who I am, flaws and all.  And even if you choose to point those out to me, I will graciously agree with you about them.

Because I am who I am, flaws and all.  I simply can’t continue trying to be someone other than who I am.  I never should have tried in the first place.

For once, my new header is more than mere whim.  Since I took this picture, I have felt drawn to it.  I want to be like my little boy, able to open my mouth and let whatever comes out do so.  I want to be that uninhibited and shameless.  While it is against my nature to be like that in real life, this blog is my place to stand and shout out for whoever might be listening.

So I am taking back my blog, as many of you have said many times (yes, it took that long to beat it through my thick skull).  No longer will I edit as I write out of concern for how any of you might react.  If you don’t like me for who I really am, then what should it matter to me?  I’d rather you give up and move on to someone else’s blog than stick around to hear what I have to say when I’m pretending to be something I’m not.

And to those of you who have stuck around through this whole process of self-discovery and liked me all along, thank you.  Hopefully I won’t disappoint you by going back on my words anytime in the future.

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2 Responses to Enlightenment

  1. sugarandice says:

    I just had to go back to your last post and remind myself what it was about, and then I read the comment…

    OK, so you’re sensitive, maybe overly so, and maybe you shouldn’t have brought their Christianity into it, since Christians are allowed to make mistakes and God is the only one that can judge us or determine if our Christianity is in the right place….BUT, this is your blog. You can say whatever you want. If you really felt like those people were being offensive, then you had ever right to bring it up here. You really shouldn’t hold back from speaking of things that are on your mind. It always bothers me a little when people that leave comments like that do it in an anonymous fashion…yes, she left a name…but there’s no link, so it might as well be anonymous. I hate that….it’s one of my biggest pet peeves. I guess in my mind, if you stand behind what you’re saying, then you shouldn’t be afraid for the blog author to know who you are. Maybe that’s just me.

  2. Kristin says:

    I for one, am very proud of you for deciding to write what you feel without censoring the truth just to satisfy your readership. I think you’ll find blogging a lot more enjoyable (even if it does increase the assvice from anonymous readers) & you’ll continue to discover more about yourself & your family.

    As a daily reader (but a terrible commenter), I know I will enjoy reading about the real you & how everything makes you feel to the core. I’m all about keeping it real, even if it does set you up for criticism. I know reading those comments is difficult, as I get just as if not more defensive (they’re always about the touchiest subjects in my life). That’s why I appreciate that you’re going to shrug them off & do write what you really want to write.

    Kudos to you!

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