We’ve got a fairly busy week ahead of us–at least busy for us. This evening PJ has another ECI evaluation, something that he wasn’t tested for last time. I’m already expecting it to show a deficit, so I’m really not worried about the evaluation. It won’t determine whether something is wrong but rather possibly identify better where the deficit is so that we’ll have a better idea of how to work with him to help him improve.
Anyway, that evaluation is tonight, and I really need to do a little cleaning before letting people in my house again. It’s been embarrassingly long since the floors have been vacuumed. Oh, and the boys need bathed. PJ still has cheese from yesterday’s lunch of mac and cheese caked on his nose. I’d probably better get to that before naptime.
Thursday we have another normal session with his ECI teacher, and I discovered yesterday that PJ’s open house with his MDO isn’t in the evening like I’d assumed. It’s actually in the morning, about the same time as his ECI session. We’re going to have to get up early and rush to the open house to be there the second it starts and then make sure we’re out of there in less than forty-five minutes to be home in time for the ECI session.
Then next Tuesday, a week from today, he starts school. Sigh…not thinking about it today.
In the middle of all this busyness I’m finding myself struggling with myself again. I have this awful feeling that I’m only giving a half effort into everything I do. I know I could be doing better as a wife, mother, housecleaner, and even myself. I could blame the lack of effort on the headaches I’ve had every day or the tummy issues that don’t seem to go away, but I don’t know if that’s it. I don’t know whether I would really be able to do more if I pushed myself.
Part of it is frustration with my weight. I’ve never struggled with my weight. I was that skinny kid who could eat anything in sight and never gain an ounce. I filled out some in college but still didn’t gain much weight. I didn’t have a problem after PJ was born either; the pregnancy pounds just melted right off and stayed off.
Right now I’m fifteen pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight and close to twenty above my ideal. It may not sound like much, but when you consider how tiny I am, it’s a lot. I’m bordering on overweight for the first time in my life (pregnancy obviously doesn’t count). I’ve been trying to eat better and exercise more. Every time I have a good few days with it, a pound will disappear only to be replaced by two more–while I’m still doing better. So I give up until more weight appears. Then I try again with no success.
That’s a fast way to lose motivation to take care of myself, when taking care of myself doesn’t have any effect.
And from there I lose motivation elsewhere. It’s a bad cycle, and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it.
On top of everything, I’ve been struggling a lot with a complete and total lack of energy. It could be related to the weight issues or the headaches or any number of things; maybe it’s a sign of something different altogether. Whatever it is, it’s even more frustrating. When I get motivated to exercise or clean or do whatever, I run out of steam before crossing the first thing off my mental list. I give up and end up sitting around being lazy, feeling sorry for myself and hating myself for not being a better wife/mother/housekeeper.
I’ve been trying to get better about things, a little at a time. I’ll make very reasonable goals: cook once a week, do one cleaning chore each day, exercise once a week. I fail at every one, sometimes before doing it the first time. It makes me less inclined to make goals when I keep failing at even the easy ones.
I’m sorry this post has turned into such a pity party. That’s not entirely the intent. Yes, I need to vent it and get it out there, but I’m also hoping that maybe you guys have an approach to overcome this that I haven’t considered yet. I’m tired of being like this, otherwise I wouldn’t have mentioned it here. I just don’t know how to start fixing the problem. Do you guys have any suggestions? (And if you don’t know me, please refrain from criticizing me right now. That’s not going to help the problem. Please limit your comments to something helpful.)