Sometimes it still hits me with a real fierceness how much I’m in love with my boys. We’ll be sitting around playing or watching dinosaurs on TV, and one of them will come up and give me a hug–and I won’t want to let go. Scooter will smile at me, and no matter what mood I had been in, I’ll have to smile right back. (Seriously, this kid has the most contagious smile in the world.) I about burst from pride in them when anyone compliments them, which happens pretty often.
The other night, PJ gave me a hug and a kiss before bed, as usual, and I almost started crying when he said, “Mmm-ma, Mommy!” He has said it so many times that I don’t know why this one time was so special. Maybe it was the way he said Mommy. Often he talks about what Mommy will do to me–as though he’s talking about me to me–but he doesn’t often directly address me with Mommy as my name (if that makes any sense at all). It’s so moving to be called Mommy by my children. Hearing Scooter repeat “Ma-ma-ma-ma” does the same thing to me.
And I am the center of both of their worlds. There are times of the day when neither one wants anything other than me, usually at the same time. They act as though they are mine, only mine, and everyone else is an outsider to our special relationship. My boys play together happily, forging a close brotherly relationship, but I can tell as much as they love each other, they still consider themselves mine first.
There are days when being this needed gets to be overwhelming, and I wish they would cling to their daddy this way. But all it takes is a little snuggling from either one, and I am reminded how much I will miss this closeness when they grow up just a little and I am just Mom, complete with eye-roll. No wonder I still find myself longing for another baby, feeling eager to put myself through all that again, to prolong the feeling of being the center of a little one’s universe.
I can only hope that I make my boys feel this special throughout their entire lives. As much as raising them up to be polite, well-behaved boys, I think this is my job–to make them feel this loved.