Another Pregnant Monday

I can’t believe I’m still here, still pregnant.  The days seem to pass more and more slowly the longer I have to wait.  Although I’m only officially 38 weeks today, it’s more likely I’m about 39 weeks.  Did any of you suspect I’d make it this far?  I know I certainly didn’t.

On the bright side, I think it’s possible I’m starting to lose my mucous plug, although very slowly if that’s possible.  I’m too grossed out by the idea to give any details, but I’m letting myself get my hopes up because I’m eager for a sign of progress, any sign at all.  I go to the doctor again tomorrow, so maybe I’ll get some good news then.

I think sometimes the thought that I really could pop anytime hasn’t quite sunk in.  I spent the day yesterday across town hanging out with a friend.  I was a full hour away from home.  That sounds awfully reckless to me now, but it didn’t feel like a big deal at the time.  I felt kind of bad for my perpetually single, innocent friend when I had one bad contraction and had to explain that although it was a contraction, it didn’t mean I was in labor.  Poor thing, thinking I’d be delivering a baby in her living room.

M and I both had a gut feeling that last night might just be IT.  Obviously we were wrong, but we made a few last preparations, just in case.  One of those preparations was to take last belly pictures.  It helped that I’d bothered with make-up and jewelry yesterday for the first time in ages, so we figured we should take advantage of the opportunity to take better pictures.  I still think I look pretty hideous, but you’re mostly looking at the belly anyway, right?

Side shot

Front shot

Close-up of stretch marks

And a bonus picture of PJ

Remember that if you can’t see the pictures, just e-mail me (the address is on the right) with your flickr account name, and I’ll add you as one of my friends.  As long as you’re logged into flickr under that account, you’ll be able to see the pictures.

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Body Image

It seems I have hit that self-conscious stage of pregnancy.  I didn’t expect it to happen.  I’ve never been particularly self-conscious about my body before.  I have my issues of course, the gap between my front teeth (bad dental work), the crook in my nose, my disappearing chin when I lean my head down.  But as far as my body itself, I’ve been content with it.  When I was in high school, college, and those single years following, I had a pretty sexy body.  It went through lots of minor changes, a few pounds gained here or lost there, but that never seemed to bother me.  Even throughout the pregnancy with PJ, I was happy with the way I looked, always wanting my belly to be even bigger.

Up until last night, I was thrilled with my body this time as well.  I love that my belly is getting bigger, faster.  I love my bigger boobs.  But I’d thought those were really the only changes my body was undergoing.  I don’t have any stretch marks, either from PJ or now BabyN (and I hope and pray it stays that way).  What I saw last night proved, though, that I am not altogether unchanged.

M has been wanting to take belly shots for me ever since I did those special ones several months ago.  Finally last night I let him.  I knew I had complete editorial control, so I did whatever he suggested, letting myself be goofy and uninhibited for the first time in pictures.  They were truly au natural, too, because I never bothered to put on make-up over my pimply face or do something with my stringy hair in bad need of a haircut.  As you can imagine, I was less than pleased with the results.

If I cut off my head (like in this photo), most of the pictures aren’t too awful.  My hair was uncooperative and my pimply face had weird expressions in many of the pictures.  There were a few where I didn’t hate the face, but oddly enough, they were the ones I ended up hating the most–because I saw my body, all of it with nothing covering any flaws.  I will not post those pictures.  As much as I’d love the assurances that they’re not that bad (I already know that), I simply can’t be that immodest to let anybody other than M and me see them.  But I saw in those pictures that the body image I’d captured in my head was absolutely not the least bit similar to the body image captured on camera.  My sexy boobs resemble that of a budding pre-teen, barely visible above the belly.  My butt is getting bigger, something I’d adamantly refused to admit before.  My curvy shape (you know, the one with a waist) from before the pregnancy is gone, replaced by a chunky, boxy, masculine-looking body.  I have huge guns from toting around a toddler all the time.  I’m not the petite, sexy thing I once was.  I don’t know why I expected to still be, but it was quite a reality check to be confronted with the fact that I’m not.

I am going to attempt to take another round of shots later today, in front of a mirror where I can see for myself what looks sexy.  I’m hoping that if I can capture on film some of that preggie sexiness I’ve felt up until last night, maybe I will be able to embrace my body for what it is now.  Maybe I will be able to accept the changes instead of fighting them and letting them affect my mood, like I am now.

By the way, if you’re interested, we also took a couple of pictures that are fit to publish on the family blog.  They aren’t much better than the others as far as my face and hair are concerned, but I’ll still post them anyway.  Here is one of them, so you can see I’m okay showing off at least something I wasn’t perfectly pleased with.  Besides, it will teach me to be a little less critical of myself.

The Best Birthday Present

Thank you for all the birthday wishes I’ve already gotten.  You’ll be glad to know I am feeling a bit better today.  I think whatever it was is on the fast track out of my system, thank goodness.  I just hope M or PJ doesn’t pick it up.

Last year was my first birthday as a wife and mother.  I remember how different the whole day felt to me.  The day wasn’t focused on me, but PJ still, just like every other day.  M did do one thing to make the day special, though, and I will never forget it.  When he finished work that evening, we went outside, me in my new birthday clothes, and he took pictures of me and PJ.  It was such a simple, last-minute type of present, but it has always been the most meaningful to me.  I can’t even remember what else I got last year.  This year, he agreed to do the same.  I put on a new dress my mom sent and put PJ in a non-clashing outfit, and we “posed” for pictures, as much as a nineteen-month-old ever will.  Here are the presents I will treasure the most from today:

a belly shot

just like Daddy

the sweetest picture ever

love this smile

this face cracks me up

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Another Belly Shot

Here I am at fifteen weeks:
We went out today for an outing to Target, where we picked up this shirt. I hope it’s big enough to last through the summer! Sorry I haven’t updated for a few days. I’ve been a little sicker again–although not so much today–and haven’t had much motivation to blog. There hasn’t been as much to write about once the in-laws left anyway.

I’m trying to figure out how much of a big deal to make out of Easter this year. I’m anxious for PJ to want to do the whole Easter egg hunt thing, but I don’t know that he’s ready for it yet. When your kids were at this in-between age (almost a toddler, but unable to understand the concept of looking for eggs yet), what did you do for them?

A Thousand Words

They always say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here’s the first one I’ve ever given you:
This is me, at least the middle part of me. That big huge lump is the baby. That shirt is new, which means I left the house today. Which means I’m feeling much, much better. Oh, and that shirt is maternity. Just a reminder: that lump is only twelve weeks old. I’m such a freak to be wearing primarily maternity clothes at a mere twelve weeks. I think it’s about time to start supplementing my maternity wardrobe regularly, because it looks like I’m going to be wearing them for a long, long time.