June 12, 2007

Can I blame this on hormones too?  Today I’ve totally been overflowing with love for my little boy.  I can’t get enough snuggles or spontaneous hugs from PJ, and I’ve spent the day watching him play or playing with him nearly with tears in my eyes.  It helps that he’s being good, but it’s so much more than that.  It’s as though he’s decided to take today to remind me that all the pain of pregnancy and frustration of having a newborn is totally worth it.  I’ll get past all that again with BabyN and be left with another adorable little man who loves me with all his heart, no matter what.  This is why we put up with so much during and after pregnancy, not the screaming newborn.

Do you know what he said to me as I put him down for a nap a few minutes ago?  “Seeyalilwhy”–or “see you in a little while” to anyone not yet fluent in toddler talk.  I think this counts as his first sentence.  He hears it from me every day when I put him down for a nap, and he is now so happy to take naps that he will say it to me first.  “Thanks, Mommy, for letting me rest during the day.  I know I’ll see you soon after I wake up, and I look forward to it as much as I look forward to sleeping now.”  I’m so lucky.  I can only hope BabyN grows up to be as sweet a boy as his big brother.

In random news, I am down to one nausea pill every two days now.  I hope with each pill that it’s the last one, but that hasn’t happened yet.  At least I can see the end just around the corner.

We’re baby-sitting that sweet little girl again tonight.  I wonder if I can get her to sleep in my arms again.  Ooh, and it’s a chance for me to try out my new baby sling with a real baby!

That vein in my leg came back last night–when my leg swelled while playing computer games again.  Then it went away again this morning.  As long as it doesn’t stick around, I guess…

Nursery pictures tomorrow if I get around to finally downloading the pictures off my camera today.  It’s sort of decorated, but it may give some of you better ideas on how I should finish the decorating.

Deja Vu

May 7, 2007

I guess I was a little premature in declaring my excitement over being morning sickness free.  Yesterday and today I’ve felt much like I did in those early weeks of morning sickness, although fortunately without any rushed trips to the bathroom.  I’ve had an intermittent headache accompanying the nausea, and more than the typical hormone-related moodiness.  I’m back to taking my nausea medicine every twelve hours instead of the one per day I’d been comfortable with for the past week or so.  I’m awfully glad we decided early yesterday not to push for church (I’d been having frequent Braxton-Hicks), even though the nausea didn’t hit until later.

I think the depression I’m experiencing is prompted by the recurrence of the morning sickness.  I know it’s probably just a reaction to how quickly I suddenly weaned off my medicine and that once I get more medicine in my system again, it will be controlled again.  But the longer I suffer with both the depression and the nausea, I’m finding all sorts of things to be upset about.  It is my birthday tomorrow, and I’ll be yet another year older.  Nobody seems to care about my birthday either.  I know that will probably change tomorrow, but today I’m feeling lonely because I know only my closest relatives and M will even tell me happy birthday.

I’m also reading blogs of some of my friends who live in another town (college friends who coincidentally moved to the town where M’s parents live).  They’re both pregnant, much closer to giving birth than me, and they’re starting to throw showers for each other.  I’m suddenly realizing what I’m missing out on here by having no friends who live close.  I highly doubt anybody throws me a shower for this baby.  I lucked into one last time with PJ (after his birth), even though we had to drive an hour for it.  But not one person has mentioned the possibility of a shower this time around.  I’d assumed it wasn’t a big deal, that they just weren’t done for anything but first babies, but one of those friends I was mentioning was getting a shower for her third child.  She has everything she needs for a baby, but they still took the opportunity to throw a party, to celebrate a new life.  Nobody really seems to care that I’m pregnant, though.  My mom, my in-laws, and M of course, but that’s it.  I don’t get those sweet looks when we go out places.  Nobody asks me when I’m due at church or the store.  My family seems much more interested in the progression of my SILs’ pregnancies.  I’m feeling lonely without friends around who care specifically about my pregnancy and baby.  It helps that I have all of you guys, but it’s still not the same.  You can’t exactly offer to watch PJ when I go for my never-ending OB appointments or offer to hostess a shower.  I generally feel overlooked and neglected this time around.

It doesn’t seem to matter that I know this is the depression talking.  That doesn’t keep the thoughts of self-pity from entering my mind.  Oh, and it doesn’t help either that PJ has picked today of all days to act particularly–I don’t know–like a toddler.  I don’t have the energy to keep him out of trouble and deal with his tantrums, both because of the nausea and my defeatist attitude.  I’d rather crawl into bed for the afternoon and not have to make any decisions more complicated than whether to read, watch TV, or sleep for the next hour.

Leave Your Brains Behind

April 25, 2007

Sometimes I just get into a mode where I think–a lot, all the time.  I think you can tell when those periods hit by the posts I write.  They’re the more introspective or thought-provoking ones.  Then other times I get into a phase where someone flipped the off switch on my brain.  All I can think to blog about are the events in my life, plainly stated with no analysis involved.  I feel boring when I write those kinds of posts, but I feel like I’m cheating you if I neglect the daily minutae by delving into one otherwise insignificant event each day.  So today, partly because I’m too tired to think and partly because stuff has happened that I haven’t told you, I’m backing off from the deep posts for at least today.

Yesterday I took PJ grocery shopping during the day.  Usually we save that task for M to do when he gets home so that I don’t have to get ready for the day by any specific time.  Yesterday, though, PJ was anxious to get out of the house, so we took the lengthy list to do Daddy’s chore for him.  I felt like quite the experienced mom, out doing such housewife-y errands with my little kid in the front of the cart with me.  That feeling only multiplied when I reacted to PJ’s tantrums in the store with nonchalance.  It wasn’t that long ago when a crying spell like that would have embarrassed me to no end and quite possibly rushed me out of the store before my errands were finished.  I think I’m growing up in this whole mom thing!

Today didn’t go so well.  I took about three steps backward with the morning sickness.  I narrowly–very, very narrowly–avoided getting sick this morning.  I’m glad I still have plenty of those meds left.  Even then, they didn’t get rid of the nausea altogether.  Now that I think about it, though, (oops, I thought) the nausea may have been the first warning of the migraine that hit later in the afternoon.  My headache meds made me super drowsy instead of waking me up like usual, too.  I’m glad PJ also had a sleepy day so that I could get a decent nap.  I have felt quite a bit better since waking up.

I have a zillion PJ stories to tell, mostly on the other blog so that the grandmas can read about them, and I can’t find the motivation to tell them.  I feel like I’m neglecting the other blog right now and that my regular readers, especially the family, will feel like I’ve abandoned them.  If I can’t find the motivation, though, I can’t blog.  Oh, well.

My right knee has been killing me.  Whenever I kneel down, say to change a diaper, the tiniest bit of pressure against my knee sends shooting pains all through it.  It’s getting really annoying and a little bit worrisome.  Last night’s, uh, “adult activity” was interesting trying to work around the handicap.  I think our inability to avoid the pain altogether is what has made the knee worse today.  It’s totally worth it, though.  This is one part of pregnancy I certainly love.  I feel like a horny teenage boy nearly all day every day these days.  M seems to like it too. 🙂

Morning Sickness Update

April 18, 2007

I was planning to spend a few minutes bragging about how much better the morning sickness has been over the last week or two, and then this morning I woke up feeling about as bad as it’s ever gotten.  I think it’s a result of too much drainage from allergies, not nearly enough sleep (I was blogsurfing at 3 this morning), and gas left over from last night’s dinner.  It should taper off once my medicine gets a chance to go to work and if I can get another nap this afternoon.  Instead, I’m going to act like everything’s fine and spend the rest of the post with the positive attitude I’d already planned on.

 In the last week or two, the nausea has been getting progressively better.  When I had that day probably close to two weeks ago now when I couldn’t remember whether I’d taken my nausea medicine, I’ve continued with cutting back on the medicine.  I’m down to one pill every twelve hours-ish.  I’m pretty comfortable with that interval, so I’ll probably keep it there for a few more days at least until I feel brave enough to push the medicine back again.  I’m crossing my fingers that I’ll be off the medicine altogether before I run out of pills and have to call for a refill.  That’s a reasonable goal, I think.

The headaches continue to plague me, of course, but now that I have a lot of those headache pills, I’m not too worried about them.  I can tolerate them for the half hour to full hour before the medicine kicks in.  As long as I have hope that they won’t last long, they’re not too awful.  I’m still taking much less medicine for each headache than I really can as well.  It’s comforting to know that if they do get any worse, I have more I can do to help them go away.

Oh!  I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned recently how often I’ve felt the baby move lately.  It’s a daily occurrence now.  Sometimes it’s stronger than others, to the point where I still question if that was a gas bubble or a kick every so often, but the stronger movements are happening more frequently.  This is what I love most about pregnancy.

I’ve been showering more like I used to as well.  At the worst points of the morning sickness, I was showering once every three or four days.  I felt disgusting after that first day but was too sick to stand a shower, so I put up with my nasty smell and greasy hair.  Now I am once again able to shower most of the time without gagging on the smells.  I don’t even have to go to great lengths to avoid breathing through my nose or accidentally taste the smells.  Yes, even that was making me puke.  My skin is starting to clear up some from the more frequent bathings, and I feel better overall.  It’s crazy what a difference personal hygeine can make in your attitude.

Okay, quickly about the new blog.  Yes, I am planning to use this one exclusively now.  I will be writing the post on blogger directing everyone here within a few minutes.  If you’re one who made it here that way, welcome.  And yes, the baby in the header is PJ, the first picture I know many of you have seen of him.  I thought it looked generic enough to be safe to use so publicly.  It was taken almost a year and a half ago now, so he doesn’t look anything like that anymore.  I’ll be posting newer pictures of him in a password-protected post shortly, so watch for that if you’re interested.  Don’t worry; I’ll let you know how to get the password before I do.  (I guess I ought to set that up soon, huh?)  Anyway, nothing is solidified about the appearance of the blog yet, so if you see something you like or don’t like, please let me know.  I love feedback!

I Need to Get Out More

April 9, 2007

Today we had PJ’s eighteen-month appointment. It should have been no big deal. I had the schedule for the whole day planned in my mind before falling asleep last night, and it was a simple matter to follow that schedule today.

So how come I woke up feeling like crap today? I had tummy cramps right away, the kind that make you wonder whether you should take the Imodium before or after the first disgusting trip to the bathroom. I decided to wait until after. But my body never did what I expected it to. I couldn’t do anything to relieve the tummy cramps. They just continued on and off all morning until we were on the way to the doctor. They sent me to the bathroom numerous times, though, which sent me a little off schedule.

Then I coughed while putting on my make-up, and the cough made me gag. There was no going back from there. I was sick to my stomach for the first time in three weeks.

Why today, you might ask. I have noticed a pattern of this recently. My worst mornings happen on the days when I’m expecting to leave in the afternoon for some sort of appointment. It’s a simple case of a nervous tummy. That doesn’t make it feel any better, knowing what’s causing it, but at least I know not to worry.

How have things gotten to this point, where I get an upset tummy just knowing I have to go somewhere? Do I really get out that little? I suspect it’s more the worry that I’ll end up feeling too sick to go to the scheduled appointment, so I end up worrying myself sick.

At my worst moment this morning, I considered calling M to see if he could beg the afternoon off work to take PJ to his appointment for me. I’m glad I didn’t, even though my tummy probably would have felt a lot better a lot sooner if I had. Even now it hasn’t quite recovered. I hope my own appointment tomorrow afternoon doesn’t cause the same tummy trauma. I don’t know if I could handle two bad days like this in a row.


April 7, 2007

It’s almost Easter, and the timing couldn’t be more appropriate. What better Easter message is there than that of hope? I woke up this morning to a gloomy, drizzly, cool day, yet even the unspringlike weather can’t squelch the hope I’m feeling today.

It started with our family walk yesterday. That was impressive for one because I felt good enough to initiate leaving the house and doing something resembling exercise. I was also curious to see what all the loud trucks around our house over the past week or two had been up to. We live in a newer neighborhood still under development. They recently started clearing the rest of the field that was supposedly part of our neighborhood to make room for more houses. Apparently the area used to be a cattle ranch, though. All the turned up dirt held the pungent odor of cow manure. The whole neighborhood reeks of the smell at the moment.

Did we turn back from our walk? Did I go running to the bathroom as a result of the overwhelming, unexpected disgusting smell? Not a bit. It never bothered me, even from the start. We did our full, long walk around the neighborhood, just like we used to do before I got sick. If that’s not a sign I’m starting to move past the crippling morning sickness, I don’t know what is.

Then this morning, I woke up (to a phone call from my mom, who was calling to let me know it was snowing where she is…in north Texas) with a weird feeling about my dreams. I finally pinpointed what was wrong. I couldn’t remember whether I had taken my nausea medication. I had a vague recollection of waking up to take the pill and then going right back to sleep before I even checked the time to see when I’d be able to take it again. The memory was so vague, though, that I wasn’t sure if it had really happened or if it was a dream. I wasn’t nauseous when I woke up, so I decided the greater evil would be to overdose on the medicine. I didn’t take another pill.

I remembered after I had been awake long enough to think through it that I had just started a new bottle. I knew exactly how many pills I should have. Mostly just to solve the mystery, I sat down and counted every one of those pills–twice–to see whether I had really taken one this morning. I hadn’t. That’s right; it had been four extra hours and I wasn’t feeling the effects of being off the medicine at all.

I did finally take a pill about an hour later when it started to catch up to me, but even then it wasn’t severe nausea. I’ve decided to use the medicine more as a response when I am already nauseous rather than a preventative. It’s time to get myself off the medicine once and for all. If that isn’t reason for hope this Easter, I don’t know what is!

Another Belly Shot

April 1, 2007

Here I am at fifteen weeks:
We went out today for an outing to Target, where we picked up this shirt. I hope it’s big enough to last through the summer! Sorry I haven’t updated for a few days. I’ve been a little sicker again–although not so much today–and haven’t had much motivation to blog. There hasn’t been as much to write about once the in-laws left anyway.

I’m trying to figure out how much of a big deal to make out of Easter this year. I’m anxious for PJ to want to do the whole Easter egg hunt thing, but I don’t know that he’s ready for it yet. When your kids were at this in-between age (almost a toddler, but unable to understand the concept of looking for eggs yet), what did you do for them?

Not About In-Laws

March 28, 2007

Yesterday was a big day. Not only did my in-laws show up, but they also got to see PJ take his first steps. It was a big deal, and I’m totally excited about it.

I would love to go into all the frustrations I have with my in-laws right now, but maybe I’ll be less petty if I wait until tomorrow, after they have left already. They’re gone right now, with PJ on a day trip. As much as I welcome the quiet, how sad is it that I miss that kid with all my heart right now? I just want to hear some of his baby babble for a minute to make me feel at home in my own home again.

On the bizarre side, I noticed something interesting this morning. I actually miss the morning sickness now that it’s gone. I don’t miss the never-ending nausea, of course, but I miss the special attention and help I got when I was so sick. I can’t believe I was so anxious for it to go away, and now that it is, I miss it. I had a weird dream about this just before waking up today. I don’t remember too many specifics, but I remember being annoyed at some other pregnant women around me who were using morning sickness as a way to get attention and an excuse to get out of doing anything. I wonder now if that’s how I saw myself that whole time. In my dream, I was jealous of them for the attention they were getting. I kept wanting to yell, “Hey look at me! I’m pregnant, too!” It’s interesting what you can learn about yourself from dreams, isn’t it?

Monday Ramblings

March 26, 2007

M is back at work today, and life returns to normal. I’m really proud of myself and how easily I’m adjusting to being a mom again. Despite sleeping like a rock all last week, not even waking up when PJ started making noise in his room, I woke up at the first thump from his room. I pushed through the mild nausea I always have when I first wake up and got him up. He actually seemed happy to see me, even though he was calling for his daddy at first (I guess since his daddy had gotten him up for the last week). It’s amazing how well we’re both coping with yet another change, even if it is a change back to the familiar.

The nausea is better than it has been in months, too. I had one bad spell for about ten minutes right before lunch, and other than that, it’s been nearly nonexistent all day. I might just make it through. Before long, I might even be able to start weaning myself off the medicine.

M’s parents are still supposed to be coming to visit sometime this week, but it’s already this week and we haven’t heard yet when they’re planning to show up. They better not surprise me today or anything. This is actually the perfect time for them to come. I feel mostly fine, so they won’t be able to use my morning sickness as a ploy to get PJ to go home with them. But I’m still weak enough that I welcome any help I can get. I can do everything I need to do to take care of the two of us, but I don’t turn down offers of help. The timing couldn’t be better. I’m just not looking forward to the constant mothering criticism I know I’m in store for. My fuse is just a bit shorter than usual, thanks to these hormones, so I’m worried I’ll snap at some point instead of patiently defending my choices in raising PJ. That won’t be good for our relationship, I know.

Oh, we found out a few days ago that PJ can crawl back into his toddler bed now. He still doesn’t want to sleep there, but at least if he wants to, he doesn’t have to wait for us to put him back in his bed. I consider that progress. If only he didn’t get out of his bed by catapulting himself headfirst onto the floor, then we might be able to get rid of the feather bed we have on the floor to cushion his fall. That would certainly encourage him to sleep in the bed because he much prefers the feather bed when given the choice. We’re working on teaching him to slide off the couch and chairs feet-first, so once he masters that technique to escape his bed too, the feather bed will disappear.

I’m in a bit of a quandary right now. I’ve mentioned before the many friends and relatives who are also pregnant right now. They’re all keeping mum about possible baby names. I support that theory, as I want to keep the final choice of a name as a surprise as well. The problem is that we’re not exactly considering unique names for the baby, and I’m worried that one of the many other preggies will have chosen one of the same names for their baby. I know that shouldn’t be a big deal, especially if it’s a common name, but I don’t want anybody to think I might have stolen the name from them or copied their idea. I’m going to try not to make a big deal of it until I know the baby’s gender. I’m still guessing we’re having a boy, which means only one other baby could be in competition for a name. I’m closer to that baby’s mother too (my good SIL), so I can probably talk names with her and come to an agreement without a problem. But if we’re having a girl, we’ll have a real problem talking with the other four moms about names. I don’t know. Am I making too big of a deal out of this? I try so hard not to step on toes that I’d hate to accidentally choose a name that someone else claims as their own. But can they really get offended if they deliberately kept that name a secret until it was too late?

Night and Day

March 20, 2007

Today feels like night and day compared to this weekend. I am beginning to have this strange feeling called optimism for the first time in a long time. It is increasingly more clear to me that I was not overexaggerating my symptoms from the last antibiotics at all. I had more than severe side effects; it was a bad reaction to them altogether. Only one day into the new antibiotics, and I’m already mostly healed from the bad ones as well as the infection.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel perfect today. I still have come-and-go mild nausea and am extremely weak, but I feel like I’m finally on the road to recovery. Considering it’s recovery from the morning sickness as well, that has been going on since I was six weeks pregnant, it’s about time. I just hope I’m not so eager to hope that I’ll end up disappointed if the morning sickness doesn’t go away altogether right away.

I expect by the time these antibiotics have run their course–early this coming weekend–I’ll feel mostly normal most of the time. Naturally, M’s parents are coming to hang out next week. I would have loved the help when I was at my sickest, but it is certainly for the best. If they see me being a good mom to PJ, without the excuse of morning sickness, etc, they will have no argument about taking him home with them. They’ll probably still criticize every parenting move we make, but I’ve come to expect that. At least they’ll see us parenting.

With all the drama from the last few days, it feels like I’ve completely forgotten what it means to be pregnant. I managed to forget that this fat belly is housing a new little being, my own son or daughter. Feeling the baby last night–or even just thinking I might have–was a great reminder why I’m going through all this. There’s a tiny, fragile life inside me that needs protecting, and if that means feeling like death for a few weeks, isn’t it worth it? It’s crazy how one tiny nudge (or gas bubble) can give me a complete reality check.