Blast from the Past

November 6, 2008

So today I logged into Facebook first thing in the morning to discover I had a friend request.  It was an acquaintance from college, like many of my Facebook friends, but I had to hesitate to add her.  You see, she ended up marrying my first love.

I’ve kept up with Cowboy on and off since the break-up, and in the weeks before his marriage to her, he asked if I would take him back if he left her.  Something similar happened shortly before the birth of their daughter.  He told me that if he’d known where in the city I lived, he would have just shown up at my door.  He only went back to her (he was halfway here) because he didn’t know where to find me.

I thought it was for the best when I moved and never told him my new phone number, and never signed into AIM again.

So as you can imagine, it’s a little creepy having his wife on my friends list now.  From the way he tells it, she was always incredibly jealous of me because of his attachment to me.  I have to wonder if she added me to keep an eye on me or something.  I am one of two friends from college on her friends list (yes, I looked), and she had a crush on the other one back then.

Or I’m just being paranoid.  After all, I only know his side of the story there, and he was never the most emotionally stable guy.  He had a probably with lying pathologically too.  I’m guessing I never should have believed a word he said.

Either way, it was an interesting way to catch up a little on his life through her profile.  They have three kids now.  It looks like things are going well for them.  I’m curious to know more, but it’s probably best if I leave it at that.  If any of what he has told me in the past is true, I’m better off not pushing to know more about their lives over the past four or five years.

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Lately I’ve been bothered by how outdated my blogroll is again already.  I have lots of blogs I skip over because they’re dead blogs or haven’t been updated in months (or over a year for one).  People have changed addresses and titles, and I haven’t fixed that here.

So I’m overhauling my blogroll in the next few days.  Please keep an eye on my link to yours in the side to make sure I change it to the right address and have the right title and all that.  Make sure I don’t accidentally delete it too, please.  And of course, I’m always eager to find new blogs to read, so if you read here, let me know and send me the link to your blog so I can add it too.

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Things That Are Normal

April 17, 2008

Last night I dreamed (again) that I was pregnant.  I hadn’t tested yet but was about to, but I was absolutely positive that I knew the result, despite not feeling any normal pregnancy symptoms.  And I was ecstatic about it.

In real life, not so sure.  I change my mind every day–depending on the kids’ moods–about whether I think I could handle another baby.  I know for a fact that I’m not ready for one now.  But that doesn’t keep me from thinking about the what-ifs.  As scared as I would be about being pregnant again now, I know I would also be thrilled.  Yet I know that’s not what’s best for our family right now.

I’m guessing that this desire for always one more baby is normal.  It may be impractical or even impossible to get pregnant again, but we still have a deep-rooted longing for it anyway.  Those of you who have had a completed family for some time now, does this feeling ever go away?  Or when your children are quickly becoming grown, do you still sometimes daydream about what it would be like to have another?

PJ is also quickly becoming normal.  I know I’ve mentioned his tantrums, which are frustrating as hell but totally normal for a two-year-old.  He’s also communicating much better, to the point that I understand him much of the time and he can tell me what he needs and wants.  It’s still not quite to the level of a typical two-and-a-half-year-old, but it’s probably at least six months of progress in the last two.

I’m also reminded of how normal he is as we watch our second episode of Blue’s Clues this morning.  It’s an absolute obsession; he asks for it as soon as he wakes up and won’t give up until he’s given his blue crack.  I’m just thrilled it’s not Dora.

After a few minutes of being a zombie in front of the TV, he runs off to “go play” as he says and runs back with his teddy bear clutched to his chest.  It’s nearly as big as he is.  That makes it perfect in his mind to do imaginary play with.  In the past few days, I have changed the bear’s diaper hundreds of times, putting him in some of BabyN’s clothes after, and helped PJ give him a bath even more times.  Then I’ve sat with PJ while he’s fed the bear in BabyN’s high chair.

Watching him play has reminded me that my baby boy really is two now.  He hasn’t really acted two until recently, so in my head he was still just a big, walking version of that little baby.  I used to be thrilled that I got to keep my baby a baby longer than most mothers, but I don’t find myself missing that baby at all now.  I’m just so relieved to see him acting normal that I wasn’t stunned into nostalgia by the quick transition from baby to normal two-year-old.

By the way, speaking of things that are more normal, go check out Erica‘s blog again.  She’s back home and already blogging again.  She is an absolute miracle, and I am stunned at how strong she is.


This is Curious

April 5, 2008

I don’t know why, but when I read other blogs, I sometimes forget that these are actually people’s lives.  I forget that between posts, stuff actually happens.  There’s more to their lives than what gets posted, and that the reason posts don’t happen more often is that their lives are busy.  That’s why I’m always caught off guard when someone posts with some big news that has happened since the last post.  In my mind, their lives have been on pause since the last post, not taking a kid to the ER or getting pregnant or moving.  Unless someone specifically mentions a big event to occur in the near future, I don’t wonder about what’s going on with them or worry about why they haven’t posted.

I am so self-centered sometimes.  I hate that about myself.  I’m learning to get over that quickly, though, as many of you are forcing me to worry about you between posts.  I’m afraid I may end up being one of those people who e-mails their favorite bloggers if they don’t post when expected just to make sure they’re okay.  I don’t know…is that considerate or annoying?


My Best Online-Only Friend

April 2, 2008

I had just started this blog when I got an e-mail from someone I’d never met named Erica.  She was commenting on something I’d written in my family blog and couldn’t get the blog to actually leave a comment.  I replied, and ever since we have traded e-mails fairly regularly.  I soon found myself comfortable enough with her to share this private blog’s address with her, and she started commenting here.  Then she started her own blog, and we communicate more now through each other’s blogs than e-mail.

Still, she is my best friend that I’ve never met in person.  We have several things in common, most notably that we each have two adorable boys.  She also suffered many of the same issues I did with pregnancy, so she was someone to turn to when things got bad when I was pregnant with BabyN.

Now the tables have turned; it’s time for me–and all of you–to be there for her.  Her year started off badly and keeps getting worse.  First, she was trying to get pregnant and despite several negative pregnancy tests, discovered she was.  But it was doomed from the start, and she miscarried.  Her boys have had several illnesses, including one with repeated croup scares.  Then she got in a bad car accident, which caused pretty bad whiplash.  She started having awful headaches and scary dizziness.

Finally yesterday she had an extensive scan to determine what damage the accident had actually done.  It turns out that the accident brought to light a problem she had had already–a tumor at the base of her brain.

I can’t begin to tell you how much this scares me; I can’t imagine how Erica is feeling right now.  All I know is that of all the things I have ever asked of you, this one means the most–please, please pray for her and her family.  Go give her your support today.  And keep praying and checking on her until her life can get back to some sort of normal.


Some Observations

March 25, 2008

I have become hypersensitive to grief around me lately.  On every TV show I watch, there is something sad about someone’s situation on the show.  The same goes for every book I read.  Even my blogroll, all of you whose lives I follow closely, all of you are suffering with your own personal tragedies.

It’s a lot to take in, especially as I find myself so sensitive since BabyN was born.  It’s a bit overwhelming at times, grieving at all these sad situations, both real and fiction.  I don’t want to think about sad things, not when I’m looking at my own life that is so happy right now.  I don’t want to think that my own life could be affected by tragedy.

But not one of us is completely without tragedies or grief in our lives.  I have two perfect boys and a great husband, but I remember things being particularly awful for me about two and a half years ago when PJ was suddenly born early.  There’s grief involved in that, even if it really isn’t the same as the grief I know many of you have experienced.  None of us can escape it altogether.

So why is it that some people’s live seem so overwhelmed with grief while others aren’t?  Honestly, some of the most positive, upbeat, and fun blogs I read are written by women who have been through absolutely unimaginable situations.  I have cried with them in the past, but now I laugh and hope with them.  While I know they cannot have come through such experiences untouched, they have come through them; they have moved on.

On the other hand, I read some other blogs written by women equally affected by some of the worst tragedies imaginable, but I find them difficult to read.  Even the most positive entries at least make reference to their sadness and grief.  I can’t begin to imagine how awful they must feel after going through the things they have, but it hurts me to be reminded of what could happen to any of us all the time.

I’m not articulating my point clearly at all, but I want to assure all of you reading that I am NOT saying I don’t like your blogs.  I wouldn’t read them if I didn’t, right?  I’m just trying to point out that people react to the tragedies in their own lives very differently.  Some write as though nothing ever happened, that their lives are perfect and always have been.  Some focus on the tragedy and only that.  And others have clearly moved on.  What happened in their lives has drastically affected them, but they are moving forward with their lives, taking with them both the best and worst from their pasts.

Rarely am I given such an opportunity to see how so many different people respond to similar situations as I am through Blogworld.  Watching how all of you live your lives teaches me more about myself.  I can only hope and pray that I have responded to PJ’s birth by moving on.  I hope and pray that I can respond to any future tragedies in store for me with such grace as I see some of you showing.


It’s a New Day

February 15, 2008

I gotta tell you, it was TOUGH to keep that positive attitude last night.  It’s very difficult to stay upbeat when you have two kids screaming at you at the top of their lungs, the pizza guy is an hour late, and your hubby can’t call on Valentine’s Day because all the phone lines are busy with people calling their loved ones to let them know they were not involved in the nearby school shooting.  It was pure chaos here.  PJ didn’t get a long nap and threw pretty much one long tantrum from the end of said naptime until I put him down for an early bedtime four hours later.  I also think BabyN is teething worse, so he spent much of yesterday screaming and not as much time sleeping.

But then bedtime came–a little early for the boys–and peace returned, and with it, my positive attitude.  It didn’t matter that I was in pain or that I still had a few chores to do around the house.  I could hear myself think again, and that’s all I needed.

And then I woke up at 7:45 this morning to realize that BabyN had slept through yet another night.  I guess the lack of sleep during the day makes him too groggy to wake up to eat at night.  He even went back to sleep after that feeding and snoozed until 11:00.  I had to get up and leave him in the bed where he’d been cuddling with me so that I could take care of PJ.  BabyN didn’t even notice.  (And I sure am glad he didn’t suddenly figure out how to roll over this morning.)

Now all three of us are in good moods after a good night’s sleep.  Tonight M is supposed to get back (pray for good weather in the midwest so that he won’t be delayed again).  Life is good, even before noon.

Now go read some of the blogs on my blogroll.  Some of these women have much more interesting lives than I do right now–Erin needs lots of support, Kristin just got some great news, and several others I don’t know well enough to link to made huge announcements yesterday.


A Meme Repeat

February 7, 2008

I had a frustrating night and morning, so be glad that Erica tagged me for a meme that will keep you from having to hear all the wonderful details.  I think I’ve done this one before, but I can always come up with more random things about myself, so it’s good for a repeat.

The rules are:
1. Link to the person that tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Share six non-important things/habits/or quirks about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5. Let each random person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their site.
Six very random things about me……

1. I am very petite, 5 feet tall and 115-ish pounds.  I didn’t break 105 until long after leaving college.

2. Despite my small size, I am the least athletic person you will ever meet.  I have a natural metabolism that tends to make people jealous.

3. I also have absolutely no coordination when it comes to things athletic, and I have exercise- (and allergy-) induced asthma.

4. Despite all these limitations, I played intramural football in college.  I was the best offensive lineman on the team (not that that’s saying much).  I’ll have to give you the full story later, but I’ll leave you duly impressed for the moment.

5. I was also a huge social butterfly in college, with several circles of friends.  I had no hint of the social anxiety I have now.

6. I met my first real boyfriend when I was in college, and he happens to have the same last name as the last boyfriend I ever had–my husband.  I get asked by people who knew me back then and haven’t talked to me since whether I ended up marrying him and that’s how I got my new last name.

I’m not going to tag people because I’m quite sure that most of you have already done this one, probably several times.  But if you’re in a blogging slump like I am, this is a good way to blog something with absolutely no substance.