Empty

June 16, 2008

Several of you saw Chas’s comment from Friday’s post, so I’ll give you the short version of what happened.  I posted something earlier Friday telling more about what was happening with me.  Immediately after I hit publish, I realized how much of a pity party it was.  I felt too vulnerable and was already mentally reviewing the kinds of well-meaning comments I would receive.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle even your sympathy, so I pulled the post.  It was probably up there all of about five minutes, so Chas was certainly on the ball to catch it at all.

So for the rest of you that missed it, here’s what it was about, minus most of the self-pity.  I’ve been down.  That’s all.  There’s no reason behind it, no family tragedy or great earth-shaking life event to spur it on.  Just out of nowhere, it’s felt like a great task to get out of bed and go through another day of mommying.

This weekend was better, probably because I had M here all day to lean on, but it’s back a bit today.  I’m sure having to change about twelve poopy diapers in the last 24 hours hasn’t helped any.  Worrying about my rambunctious toddler’s first stomach virus, first bouts of diarrhea, first taste of Pedialyte–all of that continues to drain what little I have to give.

It’s just tough, this mommying stuff.  It’s tougher than they (whoever “they” are) let on.  I’m learning that there are days when you aren’t just playing the martyr by giving of yourself until there’s nothing left; you actually ARE the martyr, through no true choice of your own.  And still you keep on giving, because no matter how far you get to the end of your rope, your kids still come first.

I’ll get over this eventually, I’m sure of that.  I never stay down too long when this happens.  Just don’t expect me to write too much about what’s really going on until I’m past this phase.  I’ll probably be sticking to lighter topics in the meantime.


Protected: Some Personal Issues

May 21, 2008

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Why Do I Bother?

May 19, 2008

I wish I had it in me to write a positive post this morning.  I had a pretty good weekend, sneaking in naps both days, going out shopping for a little while, and even making it to church yesterday.  The kids were good, and BabyN is sleeping well again (after three new teeth, and only one more imminent).

Unfortunately, I’m a bit upset about something, something that should be completely under my control.  You see, I feel fat.  I’m really not.  If I revealed my weight, many of you would fight the urge to tell me to shut up because the number itself is pretty enviable.  But on my tiny body, it hangs wrong.  So I look fat.

All those new clothes I got recently?  They aren’t enough to help me fight this awful body image.  Even the ones that are specifically designed to help conceal a post-baby belly aren’t enough to diminish my extra flab.  The only things that will help will be watching what I eat and exercising.

Oh, wait!  I’m already doing that!  I’m eating less than I have since I was early pregnant with BabyN and puking everything I ate.  I’m watching what it is that I eat as well.  In fact, I haven’t eaten this healthy since getting married.  And we’re going for loooong family walks almost every day.  Pushing 70+ pounds of stroller and baby only makes the workout that much more effective.

And still the weight gain continues.  I’m gaining about half a pound every couple of days.  It’s no wonder I’m getting depressed about it.  How can I be working this hard to end up with the opposite result?  I might as well turn back into a couch potato and eat everything I want and as much of it as I can force in.  Then I would have something to blame the weight gain on anyway.  I wouldn’t be working hard for nothing.

Last night, M and I even had a little tiff because I felt super awful in the sexy pajamas I chose to wear to bed, but he couldn’t keep away from me.  While it should have made me feel better that he was so turned on by me, I couldn’t get the image of what I’d just seen in the mirror out of my mind. 

I absolutely HAVE to get this body image problem under control if I can’t control the weight itself; it’s starting to affect my normal life.  But I don’t know what to do about that.  I guess venting about it is a start.  And maybe M will have some ideas for me too.


Attack of the Allergies

May 17, 2008

Yay!  BabyN let me sleep through the night!  He didn’t wake up at all until eight this morning, and then we both fell asleep again until after ten.  Aaah.  Relief.  I’m sure he’s thinking the same thing.

Unfortunately, I woke up to an allergy attack.  My wonderful husband has advised I take a Benadryl (one of the few sneezy meds that I feel comfortable taking while breastfeeding) and go sleep it off this afternoon.  He’ll watch the boys, when they’re awake, during that time.  Shoot, yeah, I’m taking him up on that offer!  As soon as BabyN wakes up, I’m feeding him and then crashing myself.

By the way, speaking of breastfeeding (we were, weren’t we?), several people have mentioned casually to me that they assumed I would be weaning BabyN pretty soon now.  You know, now that he’s getting a mouthful of teeth, I won’t want them that close to such a sensitive area.  Especially since he’s shown sadistic biting tendencies in the past.

I answered those comments both times the same way: No, I’m not planning to wean anytime soon.  If BabyN decides to be stubborn and keep biting even with correction, then I may be forced to.  But I’m not planning to wean him until he’s at least a year old, and hopefully we can make it long past then.  I don’t feel like it is anywhere near time for that yet, and it’s not going to happen unless he chooses to self-wean or I’m forced to because he’s mutilating my chest (which by the way, he’s gotten much better about).

Oops, there’s BabyN awake from his nap.  Time to feed him and then take one of my own.  Yay for weekends!


Wherein I Push My Grammatical Limits

May 16, 2008

Where was I yesterday, you ask?  (Okay, I’ll pretend you asked.)  What was I doing that was so interesting it kept me from the computer?

Nothing, actually.  I’m just dog tired.  And talk of sleep and complaints about the lack of it are getting old to me.  And there’s no other coherent thought making its way through my head.  (Although the incoherence might be infinitely more interesting…)

So I just didn’t write anything.  In fact, I probably shouldn’t have today.  I just can’t stay away from here for that long.

But BabyN cut another tooth yesterday morning, so I’m now waiting on just two more before he hopefully starts sleeping better again.  And tomorrow is the weekend, when M gets up early with the boys and lets me sleep late.  And vacation starts in a week.  There is hope after all.

In other news, someone found my blog using a google search term that’s a little too targeted at my blog specifically.  It’s stuff that someone would have to know me in real life to think about searching for.  I’m a little freaked out.  If I suddenly password-protect everything, that’s why.  And if that happens, just e-mail me for the password.


Aha!

April 19, 2008

You may have picked up on the fact that I’ve been a bit tired lately (as if I didn’t mention that a million times in the last post alone).  It’s been as bad as it was when I was pregnant.  I’d wake up eager to go back to sleep, regardless of how late it already was.  I’d drift off anytime I wasn’t actively doing something and was anxious for bed as soon as the boys were in bed.

Last night, I suddenly had the thought to check the label on the allergy medicine I’ve had to take since getting the dog.  Sure enough, in plain English, it said the medicine could cause drowsiness.  Now I feel like a fool for letting myself be miserable for several weeks when I didn’t have to.

I also discovered that this is not the same medicine I thought it was and that this specifically says it is not recommended when you’re breastfeeding.  Oops.  Next time I need to be more careful about what it is I’m taking and not assume that M got the exact same thing that I thought he was getting from the grocery store.  I haven’t noticed any changes in BabyN, so I don’t think it’s a huge deal that I took the medicine anyway.  And it’s not like he’s a newborn completely dependent on my milk for sustenance.  I think he’ll be fine, but I’ll be watching him carefully anyway and might mention something about it to his doctor the next time we see him.

Needless to say, I’m not taking the medicine anymore.  I’m beating myself up for not reading the label first–I ALWAYS do, except for this once.  I’m hoping I didn’t do anything that could end up harming BabyN.

And on the bright side, despite being kind of stuffed up and sneezy today, I’m feeling better than I have in several weeks.  I don’t feel like I need a nap right now.  What a novel feeling.


Dang It

April 15, 2008

Now I’m regretting saying anything at all.  But I still feel like I owe you an explanation, so I’m leaving the post up as much as I’m cringing about it.  And in the meantime, I am making myself not read anything into your comments other than what the words are actually saying.  Let me tell you, that’s harder than you would think.

So in answer to your question, MrsSSG, as far back as I can remember this has been at least somewhat of an issue.  The earliest incident I can recall related to this happened when I was about four.  We were taking a friend home, and when I saw her house, I said something about how ugly her house was.  It was, but that was entirely inappropriate for me to say, especially in front of her.  My mom chastised me for being so inconsiderate because it hurt her feelings.  I was old enough to understand the lesson, and since then I have always been super-sensitive to how other people are reacting to what I say.

Junior high probably finished me off for being that self-conscious.  I know I’ve referenced some issues there in the past.  I was a target of some serious bullying (not that I wouldn’t have bullied me if I was anybody else–I was a prime target), and it took its toll on me.  From then on, I’ve always worried that people who claim to be my friends are going to treat me the way these “friends” did.  It takes a long time for me to feel truly comfortable around new people.

Anyway, I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.  I’m embarassed enough that I ever mentioned it.  It’s really not a big deal, and I’ll continue coping with it the way I always have.  Just understand that if I disappear for a few days, this is probably why.  But I’ll always be back.