Can’t Let Myself Hope

January 11, 2007

Aunt Flo still hasn’t visited. I still feel like I could start any second. Every time I go to the bathroom, I’m expecting to find out she’s come. But she hasn’t.

Last night I got a couple of sudden and random nausea spells. Oh, and dizzy spells (not at the same time, thank goodness). And without warning, when 7:00 came, I was suddenly so completely and totally exhausted that I could barely keep my eyes open.

I have logical and reasonable explanations for everything. Still, somewhere deep inside a part of me is starting to hope that I could be pregnant. I’m doing everything possible to squelch that hope, though. My gut feeling is that I’m not pregnant, and I don’t want to let myself hope and then be disappointed again.

We have a plan about it now. This weekend we’re taking a day trip to meet up with the in-laws. If by chance I was pregnant, that would be a great time to tell them. So if I still have possible pregnancy symptoms on Saturday morning, I’ll test before we leave. If I can wait that long, that is…

To Test or Not to Test

January 9, 2007

We’re at that time of month again. It’s been 31 days since I cycled last, and I’ve been PMS-ing for the last 3 or so. I don’t feel at all pregnant, but it always worries me when I PMS day after day without any results. That’s what clued me in to my pregnancy with PJ.

So I find myself in the “test or not test” quandary. If my body cycled this month like it did last, then I’m already a week or so late. That’s the only time I’ve ever had such a short cycle, though, so I think it was just a weird month. If my body has returned to its pre-pregnancy cycle, then I should start in the next day or so. This seems the most likely possibility right now, based on how I’ve been feeling. The other possibility is that my body is returning to its just post-pregnancy cycle of almost six weeks. In that case, I’m not PMS-ing yet at all and shouldn’t worry yet.

It’s driving me crazy that I’m so incredibly irregular. I don’t even know when to expect my period, so I have no way of predicting when I might ovulate or guessing whether I might be pregnant. I have no idea when to test because I don’t know when I’m late. I hate unpredictability and lack of routines.

To complicate matters, until today I’ve still been breastfeeding. I know that very likely was keeping my irregular. My desire for my cycle to return to normal (and more normal ovulation) is one of the primary reasons I’m pushing weaning now, even though PJ doesn’t act ready for it yet. I want my body back to normal, with a normal cycle again, and to have it belong to me again for a short time before leasing it to the next kid.

Unresolved Issues

January 2, 2007

I am having a really hard time dealing with my SIL being pregnant. I’d thought I was over it, had gotten to a point of acceptance about it, when we left my parents’ house where the SIL and brother were. It was going to be easier not being around a pregnant J anymore.

I was so wrong to assume that. Things were better for a time, but then the other day I was talking to my mom on the phone, and she was updating me with how things went with all my siblings after we left. She mentioned how J’s morning sickness seemed to kick in worse a few days after we left. J even had to leave the table during dinner several nights because the food was intolerable to her.

It might be interesting to note that J had been all but bragging about her apparent immunity to morning sickness. She’d been “a little nauseous” at times, according to her, but nothing severe. For that reason, one sick part of me was pleased to hear that she was suffering so much the rest of her visit.

Then there’s the even sicker part of me that envies her morning sickness. I would gladly put up with the nausea again to be pregnant again (so I say now, when I don’t have to deal with it). I hate that she’s getting all this attention and worry about her still relatively minor morning sickness when I had to quit my job because of mine and narrowly avoided a hospital stay several times. Nobody seemed to really care that I was sick, and here she is with a touch of nausea and getting catered to.

I think that’s why my body reacted the way it did while I was there. I badly wanted that attention again, so my body decided to start acting like it was pregnant. If the smell of J’s decaf coffee was going to give me morning sickness, then she would have to quit drinking it. I would have won. Never mind if it was helping her; I would have been having the worse problem with the nausea, so we would do what I needed, not her.

I can be so selfish. I hate myself for that.

I hate that I’m so jealous of her. I hate that I can’t be happy for her. I hate that a part of me hopes she miscarries. I hate that another part hopes she doesn’t because then she’ll get all the attention from a miscarriage, something that I definitely did not have to deal with. And she will learn that raising a baby isn’t as easy and wonderful as she imagines.

I wish getting pregnant myself would make everything better, but it can’t fix my sick personality. I need to cope with these feelings before getting pregnant for the wrong reasons. I need to get to the point where I can be truly happy for my brother, if not my SIL. And I will get there, I know. I just need a little more time first.

Happy New Year’s…Almost

January 1, 2007

I’ve been lazy about blogging today because I’ve been trying to figure out which of the several vague ideas floating around in my head should make it to the blog. I’m very reluctantly opting to do the same old New Year’s post, more out of a sense of obligation than having anything new to say.

I stopped making resolutions years ago when I realized I forgot to keep them about two days in. My life is pretty good as it is, and I know I won’t keep up with any grand ideas for a full year. Instead I usually think about what I hope will happen in the next year. Again, this year is more difficult than most. A few years ago I was desperately hoping for a boyfriend, then two years ago it was that this new boyfriend would be “the one” (he was). Last year it was merely that I would learn how to cope with a newborn and that PJ would develop mostly on schedule.

It seems like the last few years I’ve gotten the wishes I’ve dared to make, so I’ll make one more this year. I hope this is the year our family increases by another family member…and not the furry one we brought home from our Christmas vacation.

Along the same lines, I had several more baby dreams last night. It seems like they’re coming more frequently. It’s obvious I have baby on the brain right now. I hate it when I wake up, though. It only makes me more disappointed to realize it wasn’t real and doesn’t have a chance of being real any time soon. I guess last night’s was better than it could have been, however. I recognized it as a dream as I was dreaming, and the second part of the dream was me telling someone else about that baby dream. How weird is that? At least I already knew it was just a dream while I was still sleeping and didn’t wake up disappointed, just weirded out.

Anyway, happy New Year’s to everyone. I hope you all get the desires of your heart this year, too.


December 27, 2006

I’ve been going through some serious blogging withdrawal in the past week or so. I’ve hated that I’ve neglected this blog, but there has been no feasible way to blog here discreetly, without the many subjects of rants finding out, since I have been spending much time around them.

Of course, spending time with all this extended family has also provided much necessity for blogging, at that precise time when I can’t. It’s quite the paradox. Fortunately, my wonderful husband snuck my laptop into our bedroom tonight for the sole reason of letting me blog here without anybody discovering it.

Mini-rant #1: My newest SIL announced her pregnancy when she arrived at my parents’ house a week ago. This is the SIL I griped about a few weeks ago on Confession Thursday, the one I don’t particularly like. Her news didn’t exactly help matters any. She’s as self-centered as ever, and now she has tighter strings on my brother. When he discovers his mistake, if indeed he has made one, he now has the feelings of a child to consider. Not only that, but now they are dirt poor, living with her parents while they try to hide away enough cash to move out, and they need to think about providing for a baby as well. Bad planning.

Mini-rant #2: How could she get pregnant before me??!! I’m so selfish as well, and it’s driving me crazy that she comes with special Christmas news that I was so hoping to be able to bring myself. I let myself think maybe I was too while I was still there, even getting odor-induced morning sickness several days. I took a pregnancy test and everything and was still somehow surprised that it turned out negative. I should have known better. I’m just hoping now that we conceived a special Christmas baby, if we couldn’t announce the news over the holiday break.

Mini-rant #3: My in-laws are driving me nuts, especially my MIL and my grandparents-in-law. The grandparents stayed here for several days, even though it would have been more convenient for them to go to Christmas celebrations if they’d stayed at home. I believe the sole reason was to spend more time with us, namely PJ. Grandma hovered every second and never, ever shut up. She has a great heart, but after a few hours with her, I can’t wait to have alone, quiet time again. Also, she and Grandpa bicker incessantly. Grandpa is nearly deaf, so the bickering is quite loud. I hate being that close to loud arguing. Our time with them couldn’t end soon enough for all of us except for the two of them. They were eager to spend an extra night than they’d originally planned. It took some careful planning on our part to nip that in the bud without hurting any feelings.

My MIL isn’t as bad as normal this time, but it bugs the heck out of me that she won’t let me be the mom. M and I will specifically ask her not to do something when she’s with PJ, and even with us there, she will defy us. It’s a control issue, and she wants to make darn sure we know she has the last word about his care. It makes us not want to let her take care of him at all, but we know that would only make matters worse. Any helpful hints out there?

I guess I’ll leave the rants there for tonight. I may not get another chance to write anything until the weekend, but maybe my sweet hubby will steal me another chance to blog tomorrow night. I’m sure I’ll have lots to write about if so. Visits with the in-laws sure provide lots of good stories…and rants!


December 17, 2006

We started our Christmas travels early, thanks to some planning on the part of M’s boss, who scheduled him for a training in the same town as my parents this week. They even pay for the mileage on our car to and from home. Nice, huh? I guess it’s the boss’s way of giving us an extra Christmas present. Anyway, because I’m not at home and will have a weird schedule, my blogging may be sporadic over the next two weeks. If anything monumental happens, I will definitely post that. Otherwise, expect more rants about the in-laws.

By the way, thanks a ton for that comment yesterday Heather. Now I can’t stop thinking about that what-if. If you’re right, it would explain a lot. But I’m afraid to hope too much for that unlikely possibility. I’d hate to be disappointed yet again. Still, I can’t help wondering why I never thought of that. I’ve heard of that happening too.

Something Still Ain’t Right

December 15, 2006

About a week ago, you may remember I let everyone know I was most definitely not pregnant as Aunt Flo made a surprise appearance about a week early. Since then, nothing in that area has gone has expected.

Even when I’ve been somewhat irregular in these past few months since PJ’s birth, I knew what to expect during that awful week itself. This time, it hasn’t followed its usual pattern. I’ve been much heavier for longer. (Sorry, I know it’s TMI.) I’m hoping it actually decides to stop tonight when it’s supposed to. (It had better. M and I leave tomorrow to spend two weeks with relatives, and we desperately need a little alone time first, if you know what I mean.)

Also, most of those possible pregnancy symptoms I was complaining about earlier haven’t gone away. I figured the crazy emotions were a result of PMS hormones, but I still tear up at anything. I found myself randomly crying while I was playing a computer game a little while ago. I wasn’t upset about anything; I just couldn’t hold back the tears. I’m never this emotional unless hormones are out of whack, and why should they be right now?

I’ve been fighting nausea badly again today. I had to warn PJ while feeding him lunch that he’d better not choke on anything if I suddenly had to run to the bathroom. I’m still surprised I managed to keep everything down. Even though the worst of the nausea is past now, it doesn’t take much for it to come back. Even thinking about it now is making me feel yucky again.

My boobs are still sore, too. Shouldn’t that have ended when I started? This is definitely not pain from breastfeeding, or weaning. It feels like they did just before I found out I was pregnant with PJ.

And I keep waking up in the middle of the night to pee. The cranberry juice isn’t helping the problem, so it’s either a really, really bad urinary tract infection or it’s not one at all.

So I have no idea what to think. Obviously there’s no way I’m pregnant, but I still feel awful. M and I keep throwing outlandish possibilities out there to explain it, mostly joking, but it’s to cover up our fears that something might be wrong. Any ideas what it could be? I’ve already decided that if things still don’t feel right, I’ll go see a doctor when we get back from our holiday trip. I’m putting it off as long as possible, though. I hate going to see a doctor, especially with such weird, non-descript symptoms.

No Testing Needed

December 10, 2006

Those black moods I mentioned yesterday? Totally, 100% hormone-related. In fact, as I write this, I’m in a Midol-induced haze. I woke up this morning to some spotting. Since I’m still at least five days away from the earliest I expected to start (more like two weeks at least for when I really expected it), I got my hopes up at first. I’d been cramping just a little over the past few days, which I never do before I start, and it was very, very little, more like spotting than a period.

Then all of a sudden late this afternoon, it hit with full force. It’s definitely not spotting. I just don’t understand why it came so early this month. Is it to make up for showing up late the past few times? At least it explains the out-of-whack hormones of late. I’m not insane, as my recent moods indicated.

Of course I’m a little disappointed I’m not pregnant, but since the symptoms I mentioned the other day were fading even by the time I’d finished typing the post (slight exaggeration, but you know…), I’d already gotten it in my mind that this wasn’t the month. And it’s not bad that I had confirmation earlier rather than later so I couldn’t get my hopes up too high. Oh, and I didn’t waste a pregnancy test.

I’m also glad my cycle is a little shorter again. I’ll know sooner whether I’m pregnant for the month, and I’ll have more opportunities to conceive since I’ll ovulate more frequently. The cramps and other yucky period stuff isn’t fun to have more often, but maybe I won’t have to put up with them much longer. I just hope this shorter cycle is my new normal. I hate being so irregular, like I have been ever since PJ was born. It’s hard to know when we should try the most when my ovulation could be anywhere from almost two weeks after starting to a full month after. Not that I mind all that “trying” all month long!

Maybe next month is the month. No Christmas surprises for the grandmas, but they’ll get over it.

That Time of Month

December 6, 2006

We have officially entered that phase of the month I call the “Could I be pregnant?” phase. I think I’ve mentioned before that this started when PJ was only three months old and I was on birth control. Even back then, I started analyzing how I felt, trying to decide whether every vague symptom could be a sign I’m pregnant.

This month it started with having to pee all the time. For about a week now, I’ve been going every two hours during the day and wake up during the night needing to go. This hasn’t been a problem since I was pregnant with PJ. Of course, it could also be a sign of a urinary tract infection. I had one of those when I was pregnant with PJ, too, so that alone won’t get my hopes up about it.

But I noticed around the same time that my emotions were getting out of whack. I had a total freak-out on Saturday about lunch and ended up sobbing. Now I realize how utterly stupid the whole thing was, but at the time, it felt like the world was ending. I’m still tearing up at silly commercials, every TLC baby show, and of course, ER and Gray’s Anatomy. I also cry a lot when I don’t feel good, so maybe I’ve just been a little sick for a while and I haven’t noticed it. Still, combine that with the peeing problem, and it makes me wonder just a little bit.

Then I noticed my boobs were particularly sensitive. That was the very first sign I was pregnant with PJ. M has to be careful when he hugs me, and I’m careful with the way I hold PJ. They feel like they did last time. I’m trying to remind myself that I’m still breastfeeding, about to wean, so of course they’re going to be somewhat sensitive.

And then this morning I got extremely nauseous. I had to go lie down and take a nap to make it go away. I couldn’t function. (Fortunately PJ let me sleep.) I’m excusing this one away with the lack-of-sleep excuse. If all these symptoms continue, though, I’m not going to be able to excuse them away any longer.

I shouldn’t be feeling symptoms yet, if I ovulated when I expected to, even if I conceived right away. That makes it easier to keep from getting my hopes up. I’m not going to test for another couple of weeks, until I’ve given my period a chance to show up first. But if Aunt Flo is late this month, I’ll be testing right away. At that point, I won’t be able to find excuses for the way I feel any longer.


December 2, 2006

Even though I had a difficult time at first with breastfeeding my son, I’m proud now that I’ve kept it up this long. We are reaching a point, however, where weaning is imminent. I am torn between pushing PJ into total weaning or to try to stretch it out as long as possible.

If PJ weaned right away, I know my fertility would increase greatly, almost right away. It’s tempting to just cut him off, stop offering it to him and give him normal milk if he acts like he wants to nurse. My desire for a new baby is pushing me into this option. It’s not like he really needs to keep nursing after all. I accomplished my goal of breastfeeding him for a complete year, and these last couple of months have just been bonus.

On the other hand, I’ve found in the last few months that I actually enjoy breastfeeding. Now that he’s mobile, this is one of the few times he’s still anymore. It’s more of a bonding experience now than it’s ever been. I’m not ready to give up that aspect of it quite yet.

The other reason to stretch out this nursing thing is twice as selfish. I want to be able to brag to other moms just how long PJ breastfed. I have my sob story about how difficult it was to begin with, and I’ll look like quite the hero if I can then say I still nursed him for a good fifteen, or eighteen, months. I want to keep nursing so I can brag about it! How sad is that?

Sad as that last reason is, it’s still a compelling one to keep nursing. So I’m torn between wanting to keep nursing, for bonding and for bragging, and to cut him off altogether so that I can conceive a brother or sister for him that much sooner. Right now, keeping with it is the easier course, so I might just place my desire for another kid on the back burner for a few more days until PJ gives up my boob on his own.