BabyN finally quit crying last night, in his bed without any comfort from me. I got a few hours of “me” time before bed, and then had a good night’s sleep. I’m wondering if part of the fussiness was his way of transitioning to one less feeding at night because he surprised me by sleeping much longer between feedings last night. I’d forgotten that PJ often had a few fussy days when he was about to make a breakthrough. That was always my last guess when I’d get frustrated with him, and then my mom would have to remind me that was a possibility. She was usually right. Too bad I didn’t consider that possibility earlier this time.
Anyway, you guys are going to think I’m totally crazy, especially after last night’s post. I’ve already let myself start thinking about another. I love my two sons, but somehow the family doesn’t quite feel complete yet. M on the other hand is deadset that this is it. I agree that the thought of another pregnancy right now is not the least bit appealing, nor is the thought of another fussy baby. But three or four years from now I think I might just be ready. The problem is that I can’t mention anything or M’s gut reaction will be to fight it. I suspect that in another few years he might accept it readily, but I have to make him think it’s his idea to have another. So if I act like I don’t want another, he might just change his mind on his own.
I sound awfully manipulative, don’t I? I’m not usually like this, and I hate sounding manipulative. I just know that neither of us is the least bit ready right now, and by waiting I’ll either change M’s mind or my own. Right now I’m kind of hoping for the former.
Of course, this is only taking into consideration the possibility of getting pregnant again. While we’ve said no more children, the reasons are partly because we don’t want to deal with another pregnancy and partly financial. If things get much more stable in the financial department, M might be okay with more kids as long as the pregnancy option is out of the picture. And I think I’m fine with the idea of adoption. It’s become much less important to me to bear children genetically connected to me now that I’ve experienced it twice. I’m more interested in the idea of a third child at all, and if we can give a home to a child who might not have one otherwise then I don’t see why not.
But any of these thoughts will have to wait. And maybe my mind will change in the meantime. I know if M knew what I was thinking right now, this is what he would hope for.
Afterthoughts 